So i spent the weekend house sitting for my mother-in-law, and have been without internet all weekend..  Can u say boring?  It really was, there wasn't much to do, and without the internet (especially of a night) it got quite boring.   However, i wouldn't say last night was boring, because i spent much of last night fighting with Tim.  Why? I have no idea.  He came home and was playing with me, and then the next minute he was mad and yelling.  I have no idea why, and to be honest he says he doesn't know why either.  But i do know that last night was probably about the worst it has been.  He was yelling in my face (which he never does), and while i was yelling back, it was from another room.  And then when i began having panic and anxiety attacks, instead of calming down and comforting me he began yelling again.  He said that it was my fault because i would take what he had just said and throw it back in his face which would make him mad again.  And i admit that i did do just that, but it's because he would say stupid crap that would hurt me, like accusing me of faking a panic attack.  When he says things that hurt me i can't let them go, i have to say it right back to him right then, i can't just keep it in till we're both calm, so that then we could calmly talk about it as he has suggested that i do.  I just can't do it.  But nevertheless, that still didn't give him the right to yell in my face when he knows i'm having a panic attack, knowing that doing so only makes it worse.   

However, around 11:00 last night, after about 4-5 hours of fighting, we finally calmed down, talked and were able to settle things.  It's just that our arguments are getting worse (especially his part.)  And i'll be honest it scares me because i know how his dad is towards his mom.  And honestly if i was her, i'm not sure if i could have lasted for the last 27 years as she has done.  I couldn't handle my husband getting mad at me for no reason, yelling, calling me names, belittling me, and all the other crap that she has endured.  She's a lot tougher woman than i am to have withstood all that for so many years.  And when Tim got the way he did last night for no reason I saw part of his dad in him, and that scares me, because i know that i can't do that.  My panic attacks last night were the worst that i had ever experienced that i really thought it would kill me, and that proves to me that i can't handle living like that.  And it was just one night.  One really bad night. 

We settled things, and we both agreed that we would try to change, try to fight better.  (Yes i know that sounds crazy, but I"m sure you know what i mean).  He's got a longer ways to go than i do, but I love him, and i know he'll try, because i know no matter what he loves me.  It's just hard to see it sometimes when he gets so angry, and even though he's not physically hurting me, last night i felt like he might as well have.  Cause the whole time the only thing i wanted was my husband to hold me through my panic attack, and and instead i got an angry man yelling in my face.

So we'll try, and try again.  Things are better today, we're trying.  That's all we really can do i guess....  And to think, our 5th anniversary was just the other day.....