So I’ve spent most of yesterday and today thinking and reflecting. And last night for the first time in several months, probably more like over a year, I slept in my bed with all the lights in the house off. That’s a big thing for me, because usually I’d leave at least one light on, and possibly the tv too because it was my comfort. Almost like I was afraid of what would happen if I was alone in the dark. But last night, I decided that I had been victim to fear long enough. So I turned all the lights out and the tv off. And I slept peacefully for the first time in such a long time. I almost didn’t hear hubby come in from work early this morning, that’s how good I was sleeping… J Finally I found some peace of mind. Finally I’m no longer afraid, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel… I’m finally taking back my life, J !!! And so today I’ve done a little bit of reflecting and I realize that I am who I am, and I can’t help if people don’t like me. But I’m not going to let someone else control me, or tell me who I should be and that I should be afraid of these others. I’m not doing that anymore. I am embracing the true me and if someone doesn’t like it then they can just stay out of my life. I tell my children to be who they want, and to not apologize for their opinions (yes my 4 year old has already started apologizing for his opinions if others don’t agree with him.) I want my kids to be their own person and to never be afraid to be different, yet I’ve done the exact oppossite of what I tell them, all my life. So now it’s time I start living up to my own expectations. It’s time I stop apologizing for being myself and be happy for who I am. I am a beautiful woman, who has her own opinions, and has now stopped living in fear of her past. I’ve faced the past, looked it dead in the eye, and realized that I survived.

I’m stronger now, and seeing Dale face to face over the weekend for the first time in 5 years turned out to be a blessing in disguise. At first it shook me up, because he was the last person I expected to see on mother’s day. And it caught me off guard when I saw him starring me down. But it gave me a chance to face him, and face the past. While niether of us said a word to each other, from across the room I was able to face all the horrible crap he put me through and realize that I made it out alive and I am a much better person than what I was before. And I no longer hate him, because by harboring that hate I was still giving him power, it meant that I still felt something for him, even it was hate. And now I don’t hate him, I have nothing for him. Seeing him was a blessing in disguise, even though I didn’t see it as that on Sunday, today I realize that it was. I realize that I’m tired of carring around the hatered that I felt towards him and the pain that I was still holding on too. So today I’m finally *burning all that baggage* and just becoming me. I haven’t forgiven him, that’s not something I’m ready to do yet, who knows maybe someday. But today it’s a big day for me, because I’m letting go of anger and resentments, and that’s huge considering everything I’ve been through with him. But I’m stronger for it, and for everything else that I’ve been through in my life.  

Look at me!  I am a strong, beautiful woman, no longer living in fear!!!!