I have a question for you.... What do you think about self-conifdence?  Is it important for someone to have self-confidence? 

As for me, I believe that it's good to have self-confidence in one's self, however, i am probably the least self confident person you will ever meet.  It's a long story, but it all streams back to my childhood.  As a petite skinny 5th grader, my cousin who was a male, few months younger than me, told me that i was FAT because i was 15 pounds heavier than him.... And he was a boy as he so unpolitely put it....  I remember running into my house crying my eyes out.  At the time I weighed 100 pounds, but i was tall.... And looking back now i realize that i was really skinny for my hieght... But that lead to a lifetime of second guesing myself.  I don't trust my own instincts about harldy anything (which i know is really sad), but you have to understand that up until that moment in my life i thought i was a beautiful girl.  And now at such an impressionable time in my life someone who i trusted, was telling my how fat i was.... I was destroyed.  And from that time on i've believed that i'm fat, and i've faced every eating disorder there is because of it... I've eaten to feel better, been anorexic and buelimic, and again back to eating just to eat... And so there for I've bounced around a LOT with my wieght... And presently i'm 30 pounds overweight (that's what i thinK) but the doctor said that 30 pounds would be nice for me too loose but i'm not really that bad overweight...  To look at me i guess i don't really look it (everyone says i don't look overweight) but when i look in the mirror all i see is one big fat mess....  I don't see myself as a beautiful woman anymore, and i'm now that i'm almost 24 i'm not sure that i ever will.

My lack of self-conifdence even affects my marriage... I know my husband loves me, but i think he could do better than me... No one could love him more than me, but i think that looks wise he could do better... And i think he deserves better.... I feel that i'm lacking in many areas (and  believe me he disputes every word i say in regards to this) but i still feel as if i'm not good enough for him... I feel like he deserves better, and my fear is that one day he's going to wake up and see the same person that i see when i look in the mirror...  He's totally sweet and tells me that i have nothing to fear cause that's never going to happen cause all he sees is a beautiful woman, but i can't change what i see....

I really don't know what to do to change this... I mean i'm really messed up, I'm damaged in more ways than one... I've been through so much (those of you who know me from shoutpost, know some of what i'm talking about from my blogs there), and i've tried really hard to put it behind me... And i have, but it's dammaged me, it's made me believe that i'm less of a person some how... Like i'm not good enough.... I think that's why i relate so much to the Dark Angel character of my poems, because in a way i am her.... I've changed and i'm still searching to find myself again... I mean i'm happy in my life, i love my husband and i love my kids... But i don't love myself, i've lost myself going through everything that i have... And i know that if i don't change, and gain my self-confidence back that it's going to have repreccussions on my daughter... My mother never really had much self-confidence, but she's a MUCH stronger woman than i am... (and i love and admire her for that)... But i want to set a good example for my daughter.... She's so beautiful, and i don't want her worrying about how she looks or if she's fat.... I never want her to feel like she's not worth anything...  I want her to always know just how beautiful she is...

And with that, i know it starts with me changing my ways.....  So this week i'm gonna get back to my pilates and yoga like i have done in the past... Last year i lost 30 pounds, i managed to keep 25 of those pounds off... But now i have to loose the rest of the weight, and while i know that that alone is not going to make me have more self-confidence, i do believe it's a start... And yoga is great for the mind, body, and soul, and when i've done it in the past i've felt better about myself, and had less stress... So here's to hoping that i can change, that i can see the real me... The me that my husband and children love, the me that's been lost for so long.... Hopefully i'll find the me that's been missing....