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| more news |
| 11.06.08 (9:53 pm) [edit] |
So today was a good news, bad news day. The good news is that Memaw's cancer has not spread to her bones. The bad news is that it has spread to her brain, but she's not showing any signs or symptoms of it affecting her brain yet so that is VERY good. The doctors orginially thought that the cancer originated in her pancreas but now they're saying that it started in her lung, went to her liver, then to her pancreas, and now is in her brain. She's suppossed to start radiation next week, everyday for two weeks, and I'm not sure what her treatment will be after that. I'm scared for her, I hate to see her suffer like this, but I'm optimistic, thanks to the support I've recieved from here my husband, and my mother and her faith in God. What will be will be, and we have to accept that. I have to have faith that no matter what God's plan is, it will all work out, even if we may not understand it.. I do want to thank everyone for the support that you have all been giving me, it is very appreciated, you have no idea how much it has meant to me. Thank you all! May God bless everyone of you..
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7 Comments
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| A bit better |
| 11.05.08 (5:18 pm) [edit] |
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I feel as if I'm all cried out. I've done so much crying the past two days, that I don't think I have anymore tears left to cry. However, after my last post I did feel some relief. I did some research online and I was able to learn a little bit more about the cancer and the treatments. I also talked to my mother (a very religious woman) and she made me realize what Tim tried explaining to me yesterday, but I couldn't cope with yesterday. It's that God has reason for my memaw having cancer, we don't know why, but he has a reason, with God's help, we can get through it, no matter what the outcome is. My mother is trying so hard to be strong, she's not letting herself let out her emotions, and that scares me. My mother has had a history of seziures, and 90% of the time when she has one, something has happened just before she does. Like when I got married, I knew she was upset that her baby girl was growing up, but somehow it caused her to have a seziure a few weeks later. So my dad and I are worried that if she doesn't let it out that she might have another.
Nevertheless, after talking to her, I was able to play tag out in the yard with my two sweet and wonderful children. It felt good to just run and feel free again, like a kid, without a worry in the world. I did talk to my memaw a few minutes ago, and she actually sounded pretty good considering everything she's been through the past two days. (In addition to learning she has cancer, she's been poked, proded, and scanned about a million times.) So I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to believe that with God's help I will get through this. And I'm trying allow myself to enjoy the time I have with my children.
I start work on Monday, working the evening shift at a Sprint call center. So by the time I get home they will be asleep. So I need to enjoy my time with them now. After all, they'll only be small for a short time. My memaw wouldn't want me sitting around crying and worrying, she'd want me to live and enjoy my life. So I'm doing that, and I'm keeping her in my prayers, praying that God will make her better, and make me strong enough to handle what ever comes our way.....
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3 Comments
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| I'm still trying to work through my emotions...... |
| 11.05.08 (1:35 pm) [edit] |
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I've been away for a while, mostly because I've been real busy going back to school.. But now I find myself turning back to you because I need the support of people who have supported me in the past. Yesterday was the worst day of my 24 years. Yesterday I learned that my memaw, a woman I love and admire, a woman who is more than a grandma to me, a woman I spent all my summers with as a child, has pancreatic cancer. And the worst part is that they can't operate and it's already spread to her liver and her lungs.
I've got so many emotions and I'm really not sure how to deal. I've finally stopped crying, at least for now, but now anger as set it. I'm pissed that someone I love, someone who has been so wonderful, and lived most of her life serving God, has such a terrible disease. I just don't understand why. And to beat it all, two of her sisters have cancer as well. One has skin cancer on her face, and the other has colon cancer. And even worse, my pepaw (her husband) has a mass on his lung, and now we can't help but fear that it may be cancer as well. I'm angry as hell, how can so much pain, anguish, and disease strike one family. I can't rap my head around it.
I'm scared, I'm terrified. I love her and I don't want to lose her. Most importantly I don't want her to suffer through this. I'm scared that she'll give up and wont fight. And I know that that's the worst thing for her.
I've got so many emotions, and I'm not even sure where to begin sorting through them, or even how to begin understanding why this is happening.
Tim (my husband) says that God has a reason for everything. And I've always believed in that, my parents raised me to never question God. And I never have, until now. I can't understand why this is happening, why all this pain has striken our family. My memaw, two of her sisters, and possibley my pepaw, why? Why? I just can't understand why. I'm terrified, I'm furious, and I'm sad. How do I deal with that? And then I feel guilty when I smile at my two young kids when they do something cute because I know the pain she's going through. And then I feel horrible when I'm sad and kids are asking me not to be. How am I going to sort through all of this?
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4 Comments
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