Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2008 August
2008 July
2008 June
2008 May
2008 April
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
| A New Beginning |
| 08.27.08 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
Today is the day, for a new beginning. Not only for me, but for Tim as well. Today is the beginning of our new lives, ones that we have to take control of and change for the both of us… Today we decided that it would best if we sought counseling, for both of us. It’s a way for us to talk to each other without anger getting in the way. And we’re going to spend a minimum of 15 minutes every morning before he goes to work and 15 minutes every night (even if it means I have to wake back up) talking to each other. In addition to the time we spend on the phone. And of course our weekends together, with the kids and just to ourselves. It’s best for both of us. We’re going to try, and this time I think we’ll make it work. And I haven’t forgiven him, it’s still way too soon, but I love him with all my heart, and I guess that’s what counseling is for. Last night he apologized profusely, and swore to me that he’d never let this happen again. He said that this time he’d make sure, because he’s terrified of losing me and the kids. So with counseling, and the fact that I told him next time I’d have him arrested and I’d leave for good, I think he’ll actually work through it. It’s his worst fear to become like his dad. One that he’s beginning to lead, but one that if he takes action now he can change. So not only are there changes in our relationship, there are also changes in my life. Today I enrolled back in college. I already have a diploma in MEDICAL ASSISTING, and a certificate in INTERIOR DECORATING. But I really want to get my degree in Early Childhood Education. Besides writing working with kids is my passion, and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I’ve been to scared to try to get my degree. But today I took that leap. I want my degree, for myself, and for my kids. I want to show them that I can do it. And I want to impact the lives of young children. And my new book, it’s almost finished. My goal to be finished with it and have it ready for publication by my birthday: October 13, 2008! So today things are looking better, even though they’re not quite there yet. Tim and I are working together, trying to fix what went wrong. Trying to change things before it’s too late, before the love that we have turns into hate. I’ve got my book almost done, and have enrolled in school. Things are looking up, so hopefully they’ll stay that way. The weekend is coming up, maybe the sun will shine all weekend for the world & me! |
| 3 Comments |
| Tried & failed again and again |
| 08.27.08 (4:16 pm) [edit] |
|
Try and try again Fail and fail again. That’s been our repetitive pattern Over and over again Try again Fail again It’s always the same Nothing about it will ever change. You are who you are You can’t change that. You’ve tried to be better Tried to control you temper What makes you think This time will be different. I love you You love me That will never change. But we’re failing together Falling apart Hurting each other Hurting me. We’ve tried and tried again We’ve failed and failed again. I’m not sure if that will ever change. We’ve tried and failed Over and over again Yet we’re still willing To try yet again. |
| 2 Comments |
| we tried to talk |
| 08.26.08 (7:49 pm) [edit] |
|
So I tried talking to Tim again a few minutes ago. We tried to work things out, but in our true usual fashion, things didn’t go as planned. I asked him how he could be certain that this wouldn’t happen again, seeing how that’s what he said the last time and look where we’re at now. The only thing he said was, “Cause I know”… I’m sorry, but cause I know isn’t going to cut it. And so I continued to ask him (about three times I asked the question) and all three times I got the same answer. And then the last time he said that we’d just have to talk about it later because HE was getting aggravated with me because I kept asking the same question. HELLO!!! I’m sorry, but “cause I know” doesn’t cut it when I’m asking you how in the hell you know that you’re not going to hurt me again. I need a more definite answer. And I’m sorry but if you get aggravated with me for wanting a more definite answer to THAT question then we have SERIOUS problems. Anyways, right after that he had to go back to work, so we said love you’s and hung up the phone. We’re screwed. I know that. I’m not blind to that fact. I know that if we have a chance in hell, then it’s going to be a long road there. But honestly, right now in this moment tonight, I’m not even sure there’s a chance in hell. And that really breaks my heart, because I’m talking about the man I love with all my heart. And I know that he loves me, but he hurts me. 4 violent episodes in just over a year. How long until I’m really hurt? How long until we become his parents? How long until my love for him begins to turn to hate? I can’t forgive him, not yet, it’s way too soon. And honestly this time, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to at all. He swore to me last time that it’d never happen again, and did. Now he’s swearing & promising again, but I how do I know that it wont.? How do I reassure myself? And how do I get the visions of his furious face yelling in mine out of my head? How do I change that? |
| 5 Comments |
| Conflicted, Confused, and Hurt |
| 08.26.08 (10:15 am) [edit] |
|
It happened again and I’m terrified. He swore to me, he’d never hut me again, but he lied. And I swore that if it did I wouldn’t stick around, but how do I leave the man I’ve loved nearly my entire life. It all started because I gave him some kind of attitude because I couldn’t get him to wake up this morning to get ready for work. And the next thing I know we’re in the middle of an argument. It didn’t seem that bad at first and then like a switch all of a sudden I saw his face become enraged. He was standing in the bathroom and I in the hallway. He slung the wash cloth he had been washing his face with against the mirror which came tumbling forward (it wasn’t secured to the wall, I haven’t finished the bathroom yet). Then he tightly grabbed both my arms in his hands and slung me against the hall cabinet. He went into our bedroom were the he proceeded to slam the closet door, throw our covers off the bed and at the window and then picked up the garbage can and slung it at the window as well, all the while yelling. Then he got back in my face and yelled some more while spit came flying out of his mouth. I could feel the anxiety rising in me, and yet the only thing I could think was he’s actually going to hit me this time. Thank God Ty was already at school and Bella was in her room watching cartoons, even though I know she heard the commotion I don’t think she saw anything. He never did actually hit me, but what he did was enough. My back has a cut in it from the corner of the cabinet that I hit, and my right arm is still sore and red (I think it’s starting to bruise) from were he grabbed me. It’s the same arm that he hurt the last time. He’s calm now, and he even apologized. But it doesn’t change how I feel. I’m terrified of him, and I don’t know what to do. I told him that I said last time that if it ever happened again I as gone, and he asked me if that’s what I wanted now. If I even wanted him to come home. I said yea I wanted him to come home, and he asked me if I’d be here. I said I would for tonight anyways but that’s the best I could do. I just need time to think, so I’ll be here, but he can sleep on the couch, cause I don’t want him near me right now. Tim told me he understood, and if I decided to leave then he’d accept that. I believe he’s truly sorry now, cause the switch in him that flipped on, flipped back off. But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s turning into his dad. The man he loves and yet at the same time he hates. That’s the man he’s becoming. And I find myself apologizing to him for giving him attitude and saying that I deserve what I got. I find myself already making excuses for him, like every battered wife does. I love him with all my heart, but I can’t live in fear, and I refuse to be beaten, which I know if not stopped he eventually will. I can’t turn into his mother. So as I sit at this desk, crying, my daughter still in her room, and he now at work, I wonder what am I going to do. I love him, but I’m scared of him. He’s done this 4 times now, and every time gets a little worse. I don’t want to leave because he’s the father of my children and the man I love. But how long until he’s exactly like his father? How can I stay with that fear? How can I continue to live with him? |
| 3 Comments |
| Keeping the truth hidden (POEM) |
| 08.25.08 (8:18 am) [edit] |
|
KEEPING THE TRUTH HIDDEN 08-25-08 You’re right Not that it doesn’t matter to me Cause truly it does. But it still doesn’t matter Nothing can be done anyway. So I guess in the end We’re better off Not knowing the truth. Unaware of what hides inside Unaware of what lurks in the night. You’re right We should just drop it So let’s do so And never revisit this again It’s over, it’s done Let’s forget it And move on. |
| 0 Comments |
| His True Love |
| 08.23.08 (5:10 pm) [edit] |
|
08-23-08 HIS TRUE LOVE He lies in the bed at night Eyes wide open Waiting for the morning light. His lady lying next to him He watches her As she sleeps. If she only knew The secret he held within She wouldn’t dare stay with him. They lady in his bed He says he loves But she is not his true love. The one he let get away The one he can’t stop thinking about The only one he’ll ever truly love. He struggles everyday Struggling to keep it in Regretting the decision he made. If only he could tell his love How he truly felt Tell her about the way he loves. He wants the world to know about the love that never died About the woman he loves And how he thinks about her every night. But she has a life of her own And a man in her bed too So there’s nothing he can do.. So he lies awake at night Thinking of her As awaits the morning light. |
| 0 Comments |
| His True Love |
| 08.23.08 (5:10 pm) [edit] |
|
08-23-08 HIS TRUE LOVE He lies in the bed at night Eyes wide open Waiting for the morning light. His lady lying next to him He watches her As she sleeps. If she only knew The secret he held within She wouldn’t dare stay with him. They lady in his bed He says he loves But she is not his true love. The one he let get away The one he can’t stop thinking about The only one he’ll ever truly love. He struggles everyday Struggling to keep it in Regretting the decision he made. If only he could tell his love How he truly felt Tell her about the way he loves. He wants the world to know about the love that never died About the woman he loves And how he thinks about her every night. But she has a life of her own And a man in her bed too So there’s nothing he can do.. So he lies awake at night Thinking of her As awaits the morning light. |
| 0 Comments |
| I want truth |
| 08.22.08 (10:00 am) [edit] |
|
There comes a time in everyone’s life where we must stand up and face the truth. We must admit to ourselves and to everyone else who we truly are and what we truly want. I’m facing that moment today. I know who I am. And I don’t try to deny that. I’m a very educated, intelligent 23 year old woman, who knows exactly what she wants. I admit that I can be a very big bitch at times, but not without provocation. I am not a whore, like some have tried to imply, and I wont stand to be called one. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a wife. I’m an author, and hope to soon be a teacher. I like my music punk & loud, and don’t really care who doesn’t. I am me. I’m not you’re average girl (I’ve never claimed to be.) I’m not a preppy girl, instead I don’t fit into your typical stereotypes. I do things my way, even if it’s not always the best way. But if I’m gonna do it, then I’d rather do it the way I want to, even if it’s not right. At least that way I only have myself to blame. I take full responsibility for the mistakes I have made. For those I’ve pissed off, I’d say I was sorry. But I’m not sure if I am. I’ve probably pissed off more than I remember, and I’m sure for a number of reasons. But that’s okay. If you’re my true friend you’ll forgive me regardless, as you know I’ll do for you. I don’t play games with people’s emotions or with my own, and I refuse to let you play games with me. I’m sometimes easily heartbroken, and have been hurt several times. But I tend to forgive people (some more than others) WAY to easily. And even thought I know some people will never change, I want to believe that someday they will. I’ve given a few people, a few to many chances, but I’m hoping one day, they’ll eventually change, even though in my head I know they never will. But I tend to follow my heart more than my head, and am therefore usually hurt when things don’t work out. I want answers to questions, even if I may not like the answer. If I asked you something, then I want an answer. I want to be able to explain the things I’ve felt, the feelings I’ve never been able to explain. I want to know why two people who continuously walk away from one another, always seem to get pulled back together eventually. I wanna know how things always seem to work out, or do they? Maybe we just think they do, but maybe it was supposed to go another way? I want a love that will last a lifetime. And I truly believe, I’ve found it. I want to live happily with the family I’ve built. I want friendships that will last forever. With friends who will stand beside me no matter what. Those who forgive you when you make mistakes and love you even through the mistakes. I want friends that are HONEST with me and themselves, that can tell me the truth, and know I’ll stand beside them. And those I can be honest with. Most of all, I want truth in every aspect of my life. If you know me, I want you to be truthful with me. My friends, my family, all those I love and care about. I deserve truth, I expect truth. I want truth in my life. I’m trying to be truthful with myself and with you. I expect you to be honest with yourself and with me……. This is me, this is who I am. Like it or not, I’m not changing anytime soon. I’ve tried to change to suit other people. It never worked out, I didn’t like who I became. Now I’m being me, and only me. And if you’re in my life, I want you to be you and only you. I want you to be honest and be yourself, don‘t deny who you really are.. But most of all I want truth, I’m trying to build my life around truth. I can handle it, I will handle it. And if everytime I talk to you all you do is lie, then I guess I don't need you in my life.
|
| 4 Comments |
| Feeling better today |
| 08.21.08 (2:03 pm) [edit] |
|
I first want to say thank you to everyone who wished me well. I am feeling much better today, except for the pain in the muscle right below my left shoulder. Oh it hurts so bad. I've taken an aleve for the pain, but it hasn't helped. Oh well, I'll just have to work through the pain. I have so far. I've been up cleaning all morning, it seems like if I don't clean house one day, then it begins to look like a hurricane has just ransacked the house. LOL... So I've gotten most of my house work done, and I'm working on my book. I've gotten a few pages written already, so I'm hoping to get a few more done today. I've been trying to stay busy and then I wont have to think about the thoughts that are swiriling around in my head. So anyways, I'm going to go. I just wanted to say thank you, but now alas, I must get back to work on my book. The pages will not write themselves.
|
| 1 Comments |
| I wish I could just crawl back into bed... |
| 08.20.08 (12:22 pm) [edit] |
|
I feel so bad today, that I really wish I could just crawl back into bed. My throat feels swollen and hurts, & I just feel like I have no energy or strength to even walk through the house. I'm so tired and I just want to go to bed. And Tim isn't doing any better himself. He's sick as well, with pretty much the same thing. OH! I hate being sick. If Ty was already home from school I'd crawl back into bed and lye on the bed with him watching cartoons. But alas, he's not, but he will be in about 2 hours. I'm afraid to lye down now, cause I'm afraid I'd wake up too late. Maybe I'll feel better soon, I can only hope...
|
| 7 Comments |
| Oncoming panic attack |
| 08.18.08 (1:20 pm) [edit] |
|
I’m letting my anxiety get to me. I’m really shaky and I’m finding it hard to breathe. Deep breathes, that’s what I keep telling myself, but anyone who’s ever had a panic attack knows that telling yourself to take deep breathes doesn’t really help much. What has me so worked up that I’m about to have a full on panic attack? First I was stressing over the bills (I was online trying to pay them, and looking at my bank account, and I was afraid I’d overdraft, which I hate) but then I got all that worked out and now we’re okay with that, but then I receive an email from Zack. Yea I know I should just block him because he’s never going to change no matter how much I wish he would. And I did on myspace, but I’d forgotten to block him from my personal email account. Anyways he wanted to know once again where the pictures were. This time I asked him what made him think that I’d send them to him in the first place, seeing how I‘ve told him repeatedly that I‘m not going too. He said it was because, he wasn’t stupid he knew I would and if he liked them then he’d come over and see them in person. And that he knew that’s what I wanted cause he wasn’t stupid. That fucking cocky ass son of a bitch. I wonder if that’s the same stupid shit he used on Breann when he raped her. He doesn’t know where I live since I’ve moved (Thank God). And I’m not scared that he’d actually come rape me anyways. And hell no, I’m not sending him no picture of me. But it’s still got me shook up that he thinks I want to have sex with him. When I don’t, and I’ve told him that I’m not interested in him. I brought this on myself. I emailed him first last week, just to say hi. But this I didn’t ask for. But I guess I should have known that he hadn’t changed. Oh, I’m just trying to calm myself down right now. My leg is bouncing so hard and fast that the desk I’m sitting at is shaking, and I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. And I’m not even sure why. He doesn’t know where I live, and even though he works for the sheriff’s department I don’t think he can find me because I haven’t updated my driver’s license with the new address yet. So why am I having a panic attack. Why am I letting him get to me. He can’t hurt me…. He’s just a dumb cocky ass bastard, who thinks he can have whatever he wants. He’s not worth me stressing over….. Oh, I feel sick to my stomach… I’m going to go lye down………
|
| 2 Comments |
| getting my day underway |
| 08.18.08 (9:57 am) [edit] |
|
In my news: Tim & I have decided to put off having another child. I think this was mostly my decision, but Tim completely agreed with it. I want another child, but I also want to go back to work right now, working with kids in the school system or in a daycare center. And also, I keep going back and forth about having another kid right now. I mean I want to have another kid, but things are good the way they are with just the four of us, plus we have so many bills and all that I’m not sure if we could afford another child. So I think that for now, we made the right decision.
In other news, today is the first day of school for Floyd County. So Tim and I dropped Ty off at school this morning, he was very excited. Bella on the other hand is a bit disappointed because she didn't get to start today. I tried explaining to her it was because they didn't have enough spots for the 3 year olds and that I don't think any 3 year olds got in at that school this year because there was so many 4 year olds. But she doesn't really understand that, all she knows is that she wants to go to school and that she can't. So I told her that her and I could play school together and that I could be the teacher. And that she could use her new notebook and pencils to write her alphabet. So that cheered her up a bit, but not much. Even if she did get in she wouldn't have been able to start today anyways because she's sick. She woke up at 5:30 this morning vomiting. My husband's aunt said that it's been going around really really bad. I feel for her. It's not often she gets sick like this, and I'm thankful for that, cause I hate to see her so sick. Right now she's asleep on the couch, so I'm trying to get some of this work around the house done, while trying to be quite as not to wake her up... Hopefully she'll sleep for a while and then when she does wake up she'll feel better.
Well, that's all I have for now, I supose I should get back to work... Bye for now..
|
| 2 Comments |
| My brother's wedding |
| 08.16.08 (7:22 am) [edit] |
|
Good morning all. Today is my brother's wedding day. So i have no time to worry about certain other people. I did however take a moment last night a post a blog on my myspace page that i'm sure he'll probably read. And i hope he does, cause i want him and anyone else who may have preconcieved notions about me what i really think about people like him. But anyways, today is not the day to be concerned with people like him. It is my brother's wedding day, which is kinda why i'm on here. I was paying my electric bill before i forgot again...lol... and now i must go finish getting ready. Yes it's only 7:20 here, but by the time i dry my hair, fix it, do my make up, get the kids bathed and dressed and then finally wake Tim so he can shower and dress it'll be time to go... So I'll say goodbye now so that i can go. I just hope it doesn't rain today.... Bye all, have a good day!
|
| 0 Comments |
| I knew it... |
| 08.15.08 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
|
I knew guys like Zack never change. I knew it. And yet I was willing to give him another chance. I mean it had been over a year since we’ve last spoken. I thought for sure he would have grown up and changed, become a better man. He’s working for the sheriff’s department for Christ’s sake, surely he’d have to. But NO, not Zack. He’s still the same old asshole he’s always been. This time however, it took him all of 24 hours to prove to me just how big of an asshole he is. Yesterday everything seemed to be going good between us, like we were real friends again. And then today he sends me a message about what else, but naked pictures that he wants of me. First off, I’m not that type of girl, even more, I’m married. And I told him that (which he already knew) that I thought he had a girlfriend. His response, so what if he did, being with the same person for so long gets old, and I’d be a change for him. And that I needed to hurry and send those photos. That cheating sex obsessed asshole. God, what an ass he is.. But at least this time, I know up front that he’s not interested in being my friend he just wants me to betray my husband so that he can have me as his eye candy on the side. I knew it was a mistake to even bother with him, and yet I did anyway. But at least I know in advance what he wants, and that I’m not interested in. So it’s over. I’m walking away, this time for good. Because people like him never change. Never have, never will…
|
| 0 Comments |
| Tired, bored, and working through my emotional feelings.... |
| 08.15.08 (9:30 am) [edit] |
|
I’m so tired…. I just wish I could crawl back into bed, but alas, I can not. I have to clean house, go to Pikeville to pay bills, and decide what I’m wearing to William’s rehersal tonight. So much to do, so little time to do it in. Tim’s still in the bed. He’s riding with Jody to work today, which would be a good thing if it meant that I’d get to spend some time with him. But I know I wont. I know that by the time he finally gets up, he’ll get dressed, eat a bit, and then sit on the couch and dose back off to sleep waiting for Jody to arrive. While I’ll be all the while wishing that he’d just wake up and talk to me. I miss him. I really do, it’s hard never having him home till the weekend. And then on the weekends he’s busy helping his dad on the coal truck that his dad owns, or taking care of things around here. I honestly don’t remember the last time we had a real meaningful conversation. And that hurts me, because I miss him. And I can tell him tll I’m blue in the face, nothing will ever change. He works the way he does because he has too. It’s not his choice to work 14 hour days, he has to to make sure that we have enough money to pay all of our bills and stuff, all so that I can pursue my writing career and get my preschool teaching degree. Which I appreciate emensily. But I still miss him. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. He is my best friend, he knows me inside and out, and it’s just hard never being able to talk to him. I know he’s always so tired, but I still want to have a conversation with him without him falling asleep on me, or without him having to rush back from lunch… Cause to be honest that the only times we talk… And that’s hard, or at least it is on me…..
|
| 2 Comments |
| Tired, bored, and working through my emotional feelings.... |
| 08.15.08 (9:28 am) [edit] |
|
I’m so tired…. I just wish I could crawl back into bed, but alas, I can not. I have to clean house, go to Pikeville to pay bills, and decide what I’m wearing to William’s rehersal tonight. So much to do, so little time to do it in. Tim’s still in the bed. He’s riding with Jody to work today, which would be a good thing if it meant that I’d get to spend some time with him. But I know I wont. I know that by the time he finally gets up, he’ll get dressed, eat a bit, and then sit on the couch and dose back off to sleep waiting for Jody to arrive. While I’ll be all the while wishing that he’d just wake up and talk to me. I miss him. I really do, it’s hard never having him home till the weekend. And then on the weekends he’s busy helping his dad on the coal truck that his dad owns, or taking care of things around here. I honestly don’t remember the last time we had a real meaningful conversation. And that hurts me, because I miss him. And I can tell him tll I’m blue in the face, nothing will ever change. He works the way he does because he has too. It’s not his choice to work 14 hour days, he has to to make sure that we have enough money to pay all of our bills and stuff, all so that I can pursue my writing career and get my preschool teaching degree. Which I appreciate emensily. But I still miss him. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. He is my best friend, he knows me inside and out, and it’s just hard never being able to talk to him. I know he’s always so tired, but I still want to have a conversation with him without him falling asleep on me, or without him having to rush back from lunch… Cause to be honest that the only times we talk… And that’s hard, or at least it is on me…..
|
| 0 Comments |
| Possibly made a BIG mistake..... |
| 08.13.08 (9:34 pm) [edit] |
|
Kimberly (my sis-in-law, who, i'll occassionally refer to as sis) and I were sitting and talking about certain PEOPLE and things. And I let her read a few messages that one of these people had sent to me. So it got me to thinking about whether or not this ex-friend and I could possibly repair any damage done, and maybe be REAL friends this time around. So me being me (and yes being stupid) sent this ex-friend a message. Not saying anything of any importance, just hi and how are you it's been a long time... Now yes, I know that more than likely this will back fire in my face. I know that if this ex-friend responds, and that's a big IF, then I'm more than likely inviting trouble back into my life. This person has brought more drama into my life in the past than they have good. But at the same time they were a friend that I admired and respected, and that I cared for. To be honest, I kinda miss them, even if I'm better off without them, and I know deep down that chances are that I am. But in a moment of weakness I felt the need to give a friendship another chance. I mean it has been over a year since we've spoken and maybe they've changed, maybe they've grown up and drama doesn't follow them wherever they go anymore. And maybe not eveything they touch burns with fire and pain anymore. I know that's a lot of maybes, and that's why I said that I may have just made a BIG mistake. But in a moment of weakness I sent the email, and now I must face what ever may come head on. Who knows maybe this time it'll be for the good.... |
| 2 Comments |
| My news of the day |
| 08.12.08 (10:36 am) [edit] |
|
So I did 40 minutes of pilates today.. Very good for me, considering I only did 20 minutes yesterday. I feel rejuvenated and ready to conquor my daily quests.. So the scales sayt that I've lost a pound already, if it's true. I kinda believe it, because in the past I've been able to loose like 5 to 6 pounds in the first week, and then after that, I'm lucky to get a pound a week. So we'll see if it's really true. I hope it is though cause right now every pound I loose is a victory for me, it's one pound closer to my goal weight.
In other news, I had the freakiest dream last night. I was living a completely different life than what I live now. I was 24 (the same age I am now) but instead of being married to Tim with two kids, I was engaged to (wait for it,) Zack. But he was out of town, and somehow I got stranded in a storm somewhere with a guy I had a HUGE crush on back in 6th,7th,and 8th grade. WTF? I haven't even seen this guy since my junior year of high school. It was so weird. And here was this guy saying that he had wished he'd seen how beautiful I was back in high school, and maybe then he wouldn't still be single. It was the wierdest thing, he was asking me questions about Zack and our relationship and all this other stuff. Actually, it was kinda the same way Zack did me when I was engaged to Tim. The guy in my dream (Nick) even asked me if I'd give him a shot before marrying Zack. It was the craziest dream, in which I was almost relieving 6 years ago, only I was engaged to Zack instead of Tim, and instead of Zack trying to break up my relationship it was Nick, the guy I had the crush on ages ago.... When I woke up I couldn't beleive the dream I'd had, it was bizzare. But it made me Thank God for the life I have. I mean maybe that's a side of the life that could have been if I had chosen Zack 6 years ago. But I didn't, and I'm completely GLAD that I didn't. I wouldn't want any other life than the one I have today. Happy, married to a wonderful man with two wonderful kids in a nice house, a writing career (maybe more of a hobbie, since I haven't really had much success in it yet), and completely Zack free. I couldn't ask for a better life, because I love the one I have... :)
|
| 2 Comments |
| My new goal |
| 08.11.08 (11:01 am) [edit] |
|
So I just finished my first full 20 minute pilates workout in a VERY long time. I'm very proud of myself, and I feel very rejuvinated and mellow even... Now before I get up to clean this house I figured that I would sit down here at the computer and blog about my next big goal. Here it is: I want to lose weight in order to get pregnant. Yeah I know that may not make any since to some of you, but as a mother of two already I know that it's best for mother and baby if the mother is at a healthy weight when she gets pregnant. So for me that means going from my current weight of 179 down to at least 159 pounds. 20 pounds. I can do that. At 5'9" the biggest thing I have to worry about is sticking to eating right. I can do pilates and yoga no problem, and now where I live I can walk/jog all day long if I wanted too. But I love food, especially my pasta. But I'm going to do this, not just for me, but for my children as well. My doctor said I'm in pretty good shape right now I could loose a few pounds but I don't have any medical conditions that I need to worry about as of yet. (Thank God). But I know that if I don't change the way I eat I will. And unfortunatly we can't loose weight by eating what we want and exercising, just like we wont loose much weight my just dieting and no exercise. The two have to go hand in hand. So today, I have made it my goal, to do this for myself, my husband, and my kids.... Wish me good luck, cause I really want to stay motivated to do this...
|
| 2 Comments |
| New hair |
| 08.09.08 (6:05 pm) [edit] |
|
So I had my hair done today, and I LOVE it. It's black/brown (a bit darker than my natural color) but I love it. I had come to hate my previous color of half brown half blond. It really sucked. But this one is awesome. I've already uploaded a new pic of me with my new hair to my profile. So I'm sitting here hopefully going to go to the local race in a bit (just waiting to see if we're still gonna go), and then tomorrow will be a day at the lake. Sounds GREAT! I'm happy and in a very good mood.... :) So we'll see how things go, anyway I'm off for the night... See you on Monday!
|
| 0 Comments |
| Finally done |
| 08.07.08 (8:19 pm) [edit] |
|
I am finally done... Done unpacking (except for one box that's out in the garage that contains my craft working (which is going to stay on my desk in the garage). Done fixing up, done decorating, finally just done. YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!! My back is killing me, so my excitment is a bit more contained. But nevertheless I am thrilled to finally be finished. And I'm satisfied. Now there are still things that Tim and I plan on doing but that will take time and money. Like putting down new flooring throughout the house (this has carpet and we want hardwood because of the kids allergies and asthma), adding on another room or two, and a few other things. But they'll have to wait, till probably next summer. But as far as the minor things I'm done. And I'm satisfied. I'm happy, I think it looks good, and I love it. It's our first home that we've owned (or at least we will as soon as it's paid for till then I guess it belongs to the bank. lol.) And I'm completely thrilled. Now I'm going to go relax and rest my back. And enjoy the fact that tomorrow I don't have anything to do, except for the normal day to day stuff... YAY YAY YAY!!!
|
| 1 Comments |
| Good Day |
| 08.07.08 (11:29 am) [edit] |
|
Morning all. I took Bella to the doctor this morning and I have good news! She's doing much better, and for now (at least) she doesn't need to have tubes put into her ears. That's great! I'm very happy about that, because that means that she doesn't have to have surgery. Yes I know that it's a very minor surgery and the risks are minimal, but nevertheless, it still requires putting my 3 year old baby to sleep, and that I really didn't want. But her Dr. said that he didn't see any reason to have them done now so he canceled the appointment with the specialist for me and we were good to go. She did however have a small allergic reaction to a bee sting that she got yesterday. I noticed that her leg was leg yesterday after she got stung by a sweat bee, but when I gave her a bath last night I didn't really pay any attention to it. (It was late and I was just trying to get her to bed) But this morning her leg was still red and the bee sting spot had actually gotten larger and was a bit more swollen. So the Dr. wrote her out a prescription for it and said that I shouldn't worry cause the allergic reaction was small and shouldn't develop into anything more serious since she'll be on medicine. So I'm happy about that. I'm just happy that her ears are doing so much better.
Now I'm off to try and get some of this work done around the house. Maybe I'll get it all done today and then tomorrow I can relax some.
|
| 2 Comments |
| Update to annoyed... |
| 08.06.08 (8:21 pm) [edit] |
|
So I did talk to Tim (finally we really listened to eachother). It was only a 15 minute talk on the phone during his lunch break, but we were able to at least listen to eachother. He wasn't really mad or upset with me, but for some reason he sounded that way to me, even though he didn't mean to. And as far as last night whole ordeal, he said he was mad at what that guy said about me, but he didn't see any point in getting mad around me. He wanted to keep me from being upset, so he thought it would be best if he at least pretended to be calm. (It makes perfect sense.) SO, I completely misunderstood (as I tend to do), but at least we were able to clear it up before it turned into a big argument (as we have done in the past). So, all seems to be better now, and I'm happy for that.
|
| 1 Comments |
| annoyed |
| 08.06.08 (2:25 pm) [edit] |
|
I'm trying to get everything done, and now I have to deal with a hateful ass. (Pardon my language, but I'm extremely upset.) Yes, I'm speaking of my husband, I love him, but nevertheless, he can be a hateful ass. I don't know what his problem is, but the past few times I've spoken to him on the phone he's sounded so hateful to me. And it does break me, because I can't stand for him to be like that with me. He says there's nothing wrong, but his tone with me says something totally different. And to top it all, my father and mother-in-laws have asked what Tim said after the next door neigbor called me a bitch yesterday. What was I suppossed to say? Umm, nothing. (That's the truth.) But I didn't want to say that, so I just said that he didn't really say much cause he was at work last night when I told him. My father-in-law however is more ticked off about it than my husband was. Wierd if you ask me, but that's just the mood Tim is in I guess. But it does hurt that some guy can call me a bitch and my husband doesn't even seem to care.... I don't know what's going on, I'm hurting and Tim is just the way he is. So what do I do. He'll call me on his lunch at 3, but I'm sure that wont go so easily.....
|
| 1 Comments |
| Past........ |
| 08.05.08 (11:24 pm) [edit] |
|
So I was sitting in the living room talking to Kim earlier about people who have hurt us. And of course I shared with her a few of my past experiences, without really giving any major details.... I've been hurt time and time again. By one person more than any others. I'm not mentioning any names but I'm sure they'd know who they are. I've trusted people, considered them to be a friend, and cared about them deeply only to have them hurt me over and over again. The pain doesn't ever go away, especially when it's the person you truly trust who huirts you. (No it's not Tim, he's great to me, this person is someone I once considered a great friend.) Nevertheless, the pain hurts, and it still does. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust this person that way again. I'm not mad anymore, and in fact if I really needed this person they might even be by my side (that's a big might). But I could never trust them again. They've betrayed me, used me, and hurt me a few to many times. I've cared about them, but not anymore. They're no longer my friend, and I'm fine with that. I just wish I could forget the friendship we had that way I wouldn't have to remember it from time to time and the pain wouldn't come hurting again. While the good times in the friendship were good, the bad times out way the good...And in the end I wish it all had never happened, or at least that I could forget that it did.........
|
| 1 Comments |
| Our new house! |
| 08.04.08 (9:49 pm) [edit] |
|
Hi, so I know I haven't written in about two weeks, but I have been extremely exhausted...... I've been trying to get everything unpacked and fix all the "little" problems with our new house, and situaite things the way i want it. I've almost got it all done, I have a couple more boxes and my bedroom to organize and then I'm done. Except for repairing a few more holes that I found in the wall that the previous owners left there. But today I found that the floor of my cabinet in the kitchen below the sink is soaking wet. Now I can't tell where the leak is coming from. I've checked the pipes and none of them are wet. So I don't know. Tim will be in sometime after midnigt and he's going to look at it, maybe he can figure it out. I'm so tired, but at least I'm almost finished with everything. Thank God for that. Soon this house will be just the way I want it, and I'll finally be able to rest..... YAY!!
Tim and I are thinking of taking the kids to the lake this weekend for a picnic and some fun at the park. Or we might go to the amusement park, just don't know yet. School starts ont he 18th, Ty automaticaly gets in, but Bella is on a waiting list. Since she's only 3 she goes on a waiting list until all the 4 year olds are placed, and then if there's an opening she'll get in. I should find out something in this coming week, but she's so excited I hope she gets in. She's already got her backpack, notebook, folder and all. She's excited and ready to go, she just can't wait. I do hope she gets to go, she saw Ty go all last year, and now she wants her turn. So we'll wait and see.
All in all, we're all good. The kids are loving their big new yard, Tim and I just love having a house of our own, and I'm working my tail off trying to finish all the repairs while Tim works his tail off at his job. Oh, maybe one day the two of us can relax and just spend time together instead of busting our butts all day.....
I'm gonna go to bed now, if I'm not too tired I'll try to post more tomorrow.... Goodnight.
|
| 2 Comments |