So, I’m not pregnant. I know the thought that I could be pregnant just occurred to me last night but I’m sad. I got my hopes up, hoping that I was pregnant. And now, I know that I’m not. So I am a bit sad. I think I may be a bit more sorry for Tim than I am for myself, it was him who thought that I could be pregnant first. I think he may have gotten his hopes up more than I did. Cause I knew in all reality that it was just one time I was sick from a smell, it didn’t necessarily mean anything. Nevertheless, it the pain of diminished hopes still hurts.

But I know it’s not the end of the world. I have to stay positive, and I’ll just stick with the plan. Go back to my Gynecologist on Monday, everything will come back good, move on the weekend, get settled in to our new home, and then Tim and I can start trying. And hopefully it wont be hard for us to get pregnant. And I pray that when I do, it will be an easy pregnancy and not a high risk like my son. I’m staying positive, everything will work out eventually! And while I’m sad that I’m not pregnant at this time, hopefully I will be within the next month.

But I’m tired, I’ve spent all day packing up, I’ve got a total of 3 rooms done now, and I’m exhausted. I’ve gotta get back up in the morning and do it all again. So I’m gonna log off for the night, and try to relax a bit before going to bed.

So a lot occurred this weekend, and all of it good. Saturday Tim’s dad called and said that he needed to talk to the two of us. So he came by the house, we had lunch, and he discussed with us his plan about the house that he’s helping us to buy. Baisically it boils down to the fact that since the payments are a bit too much for us to afford all at once right now then he is going to pay about 1/3 of the monthly payments for the 7 years until it’s payed off and he’s putting down the down payment. Then we will repay him back what he paid in monthly payments and the down payment over the course of another 7 years. So all in all, after 14 years we wont owe another thing on our new home. J That’s awesome!

So they are signing the papers next Monday, cause the loan officer is on vacation this week, and then we can move in any time after that. So we’re planning on moving in the following weekend, which also happens to be the same day that we’re having my little girl’s b-day party. So Tim and his dad are going to be moving all the stuff while his mom and I get things ready for the party, and then in the afternoon the guys will take a break and we’ll have her party!!

In other news, there is a small chance that I might be pregnant. Last night I had layed down around 8:30, and about 10:00 the phone rang and it woke me up. Well I could smell what the lady next door was cooking. It smelled like something with teriyaki, well anyways, it made me extremely nauseous. Then when Tim got home he said he couldn’t even smell it, but yet I still could. I haven’t been nauseous from a smell since I was pregnant with my daughter, and Tim really believes that I am. We had planned to wait until I went back to the doctor next week for the ultrasound on my cervix before we started trying. But sometimes things just don’t happen as it’s planned. So I’m very hopeful, I want this so much, but I know if I am then I have to take very good care of myself. I’ve been taking folic acid for several weeks now, the doctor put me on that the last time I saw her, and I’ve started eating healthier. I’m gonna get a pregnancy test later this week to see if I am. In the mean time, I’m trying to pack things and get ready for the move, but at the same time trying not to over work myself in case I am pregnant.

Anyways, it’s about time for me to get back to packing, if we’re gonna move next weekend that really only leaves this week to pack because I’ll be gone almost all of next week. So there’s a lot of work to get done, and I guess I better get back to it….

Bye bye for now!

Okay, so I’m sitting here on the bed, it’s 15 minutes after 5 and I’m exhausted and a bit aggravated. I love my children, I truly do. And I know I’m not the best mother, I just hope that I am a good one. But today my kids have absolutely pushed all the wrong buttons and I am just completely stressed. I have been trying all day to get them to do one thing, pick up the toys off of their bedroom floor. And instead, now there are more toys on the floor than when they started this morning. They have destroyed my bathroom, and just absolutely ignored everything I have had to say all day. And every time I put them in time out it only seems to work for a few minutes and then they are right back to their mischievous ways. Normally all I have to do is tell my son that he can’t play his video games and he’ll do what he’s supposed to do, but not today. Today he has chosen to ignore the fact that he can’t play video games. AHHH…. So now I sit here writing this blog while they are in their rooms sitting on their beds (once again in trouble) and all the toys still on the floor. I’m tired. Very tired. And today is has been one of those days to where I just need a nice cup of cocoa, a long hot bath, a good friend, and then a nice bed to crawl into. Unfortunatly all my “good friends” and I have lost touch over the last few years except for one, and even then her and I still aren’t as close as we used to be. My best friend is my husband. And I would love to spend the evening talking to him, but unfortunately he doesn’t get off work until midnight. So I guess after the kids are asleep I’ll have a bath and cocoa, and then curl up in bed with a nice book and go to sleep. (Hopefully it’ll be that easy, although I’m not holding my breath…

MY DREAM

06-25-08

Ok, so last night I had another wild dream. I went to bed around 10:00 last night and I never anticipated the dream that would insue. So I don’t remember how the dream started out, but I do remember at Zack started sending me emails, instant, & text messages. The messages said how much he missed what we had, and how he was sorry for the past. He continued telling me that I was the best thing for him, and that I belonged with him rather than Tim. Then he began trying to convince me that we should meet up somewhere. And somehow, although I don’t remember how or when, he must have because the next thing I know it’s early morning (must have been somewhere around 4 or 5 o’clock because it was still dark out) and I was driving around trying to find the spot where we were going to meet.

That’s when I woke up, just in time to here Tim coming in through the front door. I was so glad he was home, but when he came upstairs I didn’t tell him about the dream. Why? Because I’m afraid that if he knows that I keep having these reoccurring dreams that involve Zack that he might start to think that I still have some kind of feelings for Zack. And that’s simply not true. I have no feelings (good or bad) towards him anymore. I don’t care one way or another anymore. And I don’t want Tim to think otherwise. I just don’t understand why I keep having dreams to where Zack tells me the same thing, over and over again. I mean it doesn’t make any sense to me.

And when I finally went back to sleep (it took me a while cause I didn’t want to have that dream again) I still ended up havning another dream, almost identical to this one. I don’t remember all the details, but I remember being in the car looking for Zack. These dreams are not making any sense to me, and I don’t know why I keep having them. I just wish they would stop. I wish I could just sleep peacefully without Zack appearing in my dreams. I want to dream about my husband and kids, not about someone I used to hate.

OMG!!! Update Alert!!!!

Okay, so I know I just posted a blog like maybe 10 minutes ago, but I have some VERY exciting news!! I just sold my first book (and not to a family member).. Okay, not really the book, it’s a download of the book, but still the same thing. It’s the first copy I’ve sold to an actual customer and not just a family member or friend. I’m so excited and happy. I for don’t know who it was, cause it says payment still pending, but nevertheless I’m extremely excited!! I’ve had that book published 9 to 10 months and this is the first one I’ve sold!! I can only hope that others too will now follow suit… Oh I’m happy!!!! J J J J J J J …. Okay, maybe a bit to happy!!! J J J

So today has been a pretty good day. I got the kids to bed early without a fight (yay!!). Lately the kids and I have been fighting every night at bedtime. I try to get them down and they fight me the whole way. It takes me hours to get them down. But tonight they’re asleep and I have a few hours to myself to work on my new book. But I’m not getting much work accomplished instead I’ve been easily distracted. Tim has been working a lot (16 hours a day), and it’s not his choice, but because he has to so that we can get caught back up on all our bills. Every time we think that we’re getting straightened back out, something else comes up and we’re right back were we started. And for any one reading this who has a spouse working like this, you know what I’m talking about when I say that all these long hours take a toll on a marriage. We have no time together, except for the weekend (which he spends one day playing air soft (like paintball) with his friends. And while I don’t care, I know he needs time out that doesn’t involve work, it means that he spends less time with me.) and we don’t talk except for the fifteen minutes twice a day on the phone. He gets home after midnight while I’m asleep, and then gets up at 8:00 heads out to work at 8:45 and the cycle begins all over again. So I think I’m finally feeling the pinch because I just miss my husband, and I’m starting to feel like something is missing. We’re wanting to start trying to get pregnant next month (assuming that once my gyno does the ultrasound everything comes back good… I’ve had some problems), and while I have my heart set on having another baby, I am afraid that by doing so it will put an even more strain on our marriage. We have a strong marriage, and have survived a lot in our 8 years together 5 of those legally married. (A year to the day before our wedding, we had a ceremony just between the two of us where we said our vows. I was only 17 at the time, but I knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..) And this is nothing like we’ve been through before, we’ve been through so much worse. We’ll get through this as we always do, but nevertheless, it’s still hard. I hate that he has to work so much.

I could go back to work, and I’ve offered to do so, but Tim doesn’t really want me to, he wants me home with our kids. And to be honest, that’s where I want to be. Some stay at home moms may take for granted the joy that they get to stay home with their kids everyday. But I don’t. I know the sacrafice that my husband makes everyday so that I can stay home here with the kids. Before we had kids we were both working. And then about 2 months in to my first pregnancy I had to quit my job because of complications. And Tim said that it was for the best, and we decided together that I would stay home. At first it was easy, but over the years, we’ve accumulated more bills, as most couples do. So I thank him everyday for working as hard as he does so that I can stay home with our wonderful children and work on pursuing my writing career. However, I am looking into going back to school this fall to pursue my other dream (to be a preschool teacher). And once again Tim supports me whole heartedly. He is the most wonderful man I know, he’s supporting, loving, a wonderful husband and dad. Our kids miss him so much, and I’m sure you see why I do too… I hope he truly knows how much the kids and I love him for the things he does for us….

So yesterday I heard this song by Mandy Moore that I absolutely love, I can’t seem to get enough of it… It seems to establish the way I feel and the dream I had last night regarding Zack. He’s said before that we were just the same, but I’m nothing like him. I could never do those things that he has done. And I will be okay, I’m already making progress. And he’s fading away, to nothing that he is. He means nothing to me anymore, he is nothing.

And as for the dream last night, I like to believe that it’s just my way of searching for the truth. The truth I’ll never know, but I can live with that now. I’ll be okay with that. He can try to hide the evidence of what he did, but soon it will come back to him. I forgive him for what he did and for hiding it, or at least I’m trying to. But it doesn’t change what he did. Maybe one day he’ll find the peace that I’m searching to find. For me, forgiveness is the gateway to that peacefulness. I’m trying really hard to forgive him, I don’t want to walk around harboring hate and anger towards him anymore. And I wont! I’ve let it go, and now I’m in the process of forgiveness.

So anyways, this song just to me, just sums up the way I’ve been thinking and feeling. It’s got a great beat, and the lyrics are meaningful to me. I love it. So I thought I’d share it with you.

Song: Nothing That You Are

Artist: Mandy Moore

Album: Wild Hope

THE EMPTY ROOM 6-19-08

I said I forgive you

And I do

But standing here

Looking around this empty room

I wanna know

Who erased all your dirty secrets

Who washed away

The blood from the walls and floors

Who helped you

To keep all your lies.

I said I forgive you

And I’m really trying

But standing here

In this empty room

Makes me question

If I really can.

I gotta know why

Why you stood by

And watched me nearly die.

Why you helped put the knife in my gut

Over and over again.

Why since the day we met

Every word and every move

You ever said or did

Was just a lie

Why it was all part of a game to you.

Why you used me

And then threw me away

Like an old forgotten doll.

These are questions

To which I’ll never get an answer

And even if I did

I don’t think I’d believe you anyway.

After all, you’ve crafted the art of lying.

So here I stand

Alone in this empty room

The room that once

Held all your secrets

Floors and walls once awashed with blood

Nothing left now

Not even a spec of truth

I’ll just walk away

And close the door behind.

Forgiveness

That’s a word

In which the truth

I’ve tried to find.

I’ve searched long and hard

Deep within myself

Trying to find the meaning

Of all the pain you caused

The anger I felt soon turned to hate

Hatred consumed my life

And I was out for your blood.

Realizing hating you

Means hating me

For once loving you.

I forgave myself

And then searched my soul

To soon forgive you.

While I don’t condone

The things you did,

I’ve learned how to forgive.

I’ve sought out for peace

Instead of looking for war

And in which I found it

And have forgiven you.

You may not care what I have to say

But I need to say it anyway.

I hated you for so long

For all the pain you caused

The consequences of you nearly killed me

While you stood by and laughed.

I hated you for that.

But no more

I forgive you,

For being who you are.

I forgive you,

For using me and doing what you did.

You are who you are

And I should have known

That that would never change.

So I forgive you for being you

I forgive you for hurting me

It’s over and done

The past can’t be undone

So maybe with this

I find my peace

I finally forgive you.