So i haven't written in a few days.  Nothing's really been going on, my back has been really bothering me for the past two days and i don't really know why.  It started hurting one night a few weeks ago, and to what i can recall i didn't do anything to hurt it.  But it's hurt so bad today and yesterday that i haven't really felt like moving a lot, which is hard to do when you have a 2 & 4 year old. 

So it's been raining here for the past 2 days as well, which just makes me want to sleep... Ugh, i'm ready for the sun to shine again... And it's been so cold today.  I've been on the couch with my kids watching cartoons and playiing games under a big comforter all day...lol...  So now the kids are *cleaning* their rooms.  Cause any one that has kids knows that they don't really clean their rooms.  However, my 2 year old is really good at cleaning her room as long as i'm in the room with her talking to her and encouraging her.  My 4 year old son used to be that way, but now he's kinda gotten to where he thinks mom should do it.. But he'll usually do it, especially when i tell him he can't play his much loved games until his room is clean.  Which is where we're at right now.  My daughter has already gotten her room cleaned, and my son has now recruited her to *help* him... I find this funny, because the only thing that those two wonderful children are managing to do is play even more...  And i know that eventually i'll just have to clean his room anyways, but i'm trying to get him to clean it.  I mean he's gotta learn right?

So anyways, my back is hurting again, and the pain is starting to go up into the back of my neck. So i'm gonna jump off here and go take two asprin, hopefully that will help.  And then i'll help my boy clean his room....

So I’ve spent most of yesterday and today thinking and reflecting. And last night for the first time in several months, probably more like over a year, I slept in my bed with all the lights in the house off. That’s a big thing for me, because usually I’d leave at least one light on, and possibly the tv too because it was my comfort. Almost like I was afraid of what would happen if I was alone in the dark. But last night, I decided that I had been victim to fear long enough. So I turned all the lights out and the tv off. And I slept peacefully for the first time in such a long time. I almost didn’t hear hubby come in from work early this morning, that’s how good I was sleeping… J Finally I found some peace of mind. Finally I’m no longer afraid, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel… I’m finally taking back my life, J !!! And so today I’ve done a little bit of reflecting and I realize that I am who I am, and I can’t help if people don’t like me. But I’m not going to let someone else control me, or tell me who I should be and that I should be afraid of these others. I’m not doing that anymore. I am embracing the true me and if someone doesn’t like it then they can just stay out of my life. I tell my children to be who they want, and to not apologize for their opinions (yes my 4 year old has already started apologizing for his opinions if others don’t agree with him.) I want my kids to be their own person and to never be afraid to be different, yet I’ve done the exact oppossite of what I tell them, all my life. So now it’s time I start living up to my own expectations. It’s time I stop apologizing for being myself and be happy for who I am. I am a beautiful woman, who has her own opinions, and has now stopped living in fear of her past. I’ve faced the past, looked it dead in the eye, and realized that I survived.

I’m stronger now, and seeing Dale face to face over the weekend for the first time in 5 years turned out to be a blessing in disguise. At first it shook me up, because he was the last person I expected to see on mother’s day. And it caught me off guard when I saw him starring me down. But it gave me a chance to face him, and face the past. While niether of us said a word to each other, from across the room I was able to face all the horrible crap he put me through and realize that I made it out alive and I am a much better person than what I was before. And I no longer hate him, because by harboring that hate I was still giving him power, it meant that I still felt something for him, even it was hate. And now I don’t hate him, I have nothing for him. Seeing him was a blessing in disguise, even though I didn’t see it as that on Sunday, today I realize that it was. I realize that I’m tired of carring around the hatered that I felt towards him and the pain that I was still holding on too. So today I’m finally *burning all that baggage* and just becoming me. I haven’t forgiven him, that’s not something I’m ready to do yet, who knows maybe someday. But today it’s a big day for me, because I’m letting go of anger and resentments, and that’s huge considering everything I’ve been through with him. But I’m stronger for it, and for everything else that I’ve been through in my life.  

Look at me!  I am a strong, beautiful woman, no longer living in fear!!!!

So I saw you today

You saw me too.

Couldn't take your eyes off me

Did i look good to you?

I noticed you stared awful hard

But oh well i don't care

Look all you want

Cause you know you'll never have me.

I'm not yours

Not under your mind control either

I don't care about you anymore

Do what you want

Say what you will

Look at me too

Cause we both know

I'm better off without you.

GHOST OF YOU

05-09-08

So you’re interested in playing games

I’m sorry but not me.

I’ve got better things to do

Than to play your games.

I’m not letting you get to me

Not this time Dale

You’ve done it before

And boy, you’re damn good at it

But I guess you knew that.

But I beat you before too

And I can do it again.

I could play your games

And fight you back and forth

Waste months of my time

Waiting and wondering

When the next battle would be.

But I’m not doing that.

I’m not fighting anymore

And by not fighting

I’m stronger than you’ll ever be.

It takes a bigger person

To not fight

Than one to stand and play mind games.

You wont get to me anymore

I don’t care what you do

Call all you want

Email me too.

It doesn’t matter

I’m not responding to you.

See Dale, this you didn’t expect

Me not reacting to you.

Who would have thought

This would be me?

But it is.

Last year you died to me

And as far as I’m concerned

You’re still dead.

So to me

You’re just a ghost

And this ghost of you

Wont be haunting me….

I’m trying to get some work done on my new book (I do have a deadline that I’d like to meet) but I can’t seem to concentrate. Everytime the home phone rings I’m expecting it to be Dale again. And he’s the last person I want to talk to, and yet he is the person I want to talk to at the same time. There’s only on reason I want to talk to him, and that’s to find out what his agenda is. I know he’s up to something, I know it.. (I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, I’ve said this in about 4 blogs now). But you really just have to know him. He’s always working one angle or another (or at least with me anyways), and he has to know that I’m not buying the whole “you number keeps showing up on my cell” story. I mean, maybe last Sunday I might have bought it, but then he calls last night too and said it showed up 6 times and that he was concerned about me. Bull shit! I don’t buy it. I know he’s working an angle, waiting for his moment to catch me off guard. He’s meticulous and kaniving, he sits and waits for the perfect opportunity to strike, regardless of how long it takes… God, I just wish I knew what he wanted. And no I wont even consider the possibility of calling him and asking him what he wants, because then that only throws more fuel to the fire. I’ll wait him out, I know he’ll eventually call again, or even show up.. And the later scares me.

If he shows up in person, I’m not sure what he’d do. After all, he raped my friend over 8 years ago (when he was a freshman in high school), and now he’s supposed to be some big MMA (mixed martial arts) fighter. He’s told me before that if necessary that he could easily take my husband out either by himself or with his friends… (Now I know my husband could take him easily in a one on one fight, cause hubby hates him and when he’s really ANGRY nothing stops him, but I’m not sure what would happen if a bunch of Dale’s MMA friends jumped him…) I’m not really so scared of him actually physically hurting me (I mean I am a bit scared of that), but it’s mostly me afraid of what he does to me mentally.. I know I’m stronger now than I was a year ago, but I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to go up against him again. I did that last year and honestly it nearly killed me. I started drinking and I let my eating disorder come back because of him and his stupid mind games.. And that scares me, because I don’t want to be reduced to that person again, I want to be stronger, but I’m not sure if I am. Dale is an excellent manipulater when it comes to the mind games, but I don’t want to be suckered back into that again. But I can already tell that I am… Look at me, instead of working on my book, I’m sitting here unable to concentrate on that, and blogging about him… Why couldn’t he have just stayed dead to me? Why does he have to keep calling me?

You’ve been non-existent

In my life for a yar

And now you think

You can waltz back in

By saying your concerned about me

Thanks but no thanks

I don’t want your concern.

I know you

You don’t care about me

So what do you want?

Is it just more games to you

If it this time

I’m not playing.

I gave up games last year

And this time it’s for good.

So I have question

And one question alone.

What do you want?

Dale Brooks never does anything

Without an agenda.

So what do you want?

Why now?

I was doing good without you

Why me?

Finally got my life you stole back.

What do you want from me?

Answer me dammit!

What the hell do you want?

So what a night I had last night. Yesterday was one of those long days that in the end just leave you stressed and wanting to sleep an entire day. So after this long day all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Finally I fall asleep 15 minutes before 12, and I knew I should have just stayed awake cause my hubby would be home from work at 12:30, but I didn’t. I just wanted to sleep. 5 minutes before 12:30 my home phone starts ringing. I slumber out of the bed and begin searching for the phone, that I had forgotten that I had placed on a shelf on my headboard. Here I am thinking that it might be my hubby and something might be wrong. So without even paying attention to the caller idea I answer the phone. And on the other end I hear a voice that quickly awakens me.

“Hello”

“Yes, this is Dale with the Floyd County Sherrif’s office” (that’s right, the same Dale,*by the way I’m not using his real name*)

“Yes?”

“I left my phone out in the cruiser all night, but I just checked it and it said you called 6 times. By the way who is this?” (As if he didn’t already know)

“This is Elizabeth, and I’m sorry but you must have gotten the number wrong cause I didn’t call you.”

“NO, 285-1907?”

“That’s my number, but I know I didn’t call you, and I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Well I’m sorry I called you so late, but I thought there might be something wrong since you called 6 times.” (As if he really cared, and if there wasn’t something wrong wouldn’t I have called my husband or 911 instead of a guy I can’t stand, regardless of whether or not he works for the sherrif’s dept.?”

“Well, I don’t know what else to tell you, I didn’t call you.”

“Oh, well okay.”

And then I hung up, and quickly called my hubby, who was less than 5 minutes away from the house. Now see I don’t believe Dale’s story, because I know I didn’t call him. The only person I called from my home phone yesterday was my mom (who I talked to when I called her) and there is no way my kids could have been playing with the phone and accidentally called his number… And see my husband and I neither one believe his story, you just have to know him I guess. But there’s no way my number showed up on his cell phone.

So what did he really want? I’m not sure, and I don’t know what he wanted Sunday afternoon when he called with the same story. But he’s up to something, I can feel it. I’m just not sure what.

Oh and to beat it all, my night only got worse. I tried going back to sleep after hubby got home while he sat on the bed beside me holding me while he played xbox (yes he likes to play xbox with his friends while I sleep…lol). But that was impossible. Instead I had several dreams about Dale… In one he delivered a package to my house and in this package was a letter he wrote (which apparently wasn’t the first cause I remember saying something like it was just like all the others, saying how much he loved me and couldn’t bare to live without me) one of my favorite shirts (not sure how he got it), and some other things I didn’t recognize. Then another dream, it was late at night, I was waiting for hubby to come home, I thought I heard his car, so I looked out my upstairs bedroom window and I saw Dale sitting out in his police cruiser looking up at me.

This all has me stressed out because I feel the drama building. I can feel that something’s going to happen I’m just not sure what or when… Hubby says I’m letting him get to me again, and he’s right. This is just another one of Dale’s mind games, and I’m letting him win. But I know I’m stronger and better than that, so I’ll find my way to deal with it, and in the mean time, just in case he is up to something, I’ll be on guard. My door will be securely locked every night, cause when it comes to him, I know not to trust. I do however think that if he calls again, I’m just going to ask him what the hell he wants…But I just know in my gut, something’s coming…..

Okay, so I’ve been thinking. And here’s what’s on my mind…..

I know I only have myself to blame for things being the way they are with Dale. And by that I mean, I am the one who got to know him and let him into my life all those years ago when I was about to get married. I shouldn’t have done that, I wanted a friendship with him, and instead it quickly became more. And that is my biggest mistake. And then last January when hubby and I began having problems I turned to Dale. Not sexually (incase any one was thinking that) but emotionally.. I shared my problems with him, thinking that he cared and that he was my friend. But he used me, over and over again, and I let him. That too was my mistake. I shouldn’t have found myself confiding in him, and I shouldn’t have kept letting him back into my life.

But those were mistakes, and I’ve learned from those. I’m not falling for his *concern* again. I don’t need it, the only thing Dale is ever been concerned about is himself and what he can get. And here’s the thing I can’t figure out, he’s supposed to have a girlfriend, so what does he want with me? Krissy, my friend, thinks that he broke up with his gf and maybe he did. But why me? I know I’ve made mistakes in the past, but he’s the one who raped my friend, and he knows how I feel about him because of that. So why bother me? Why now? I know I made mistakes, but none of my mistakes are to blame for him using me and raping my friend, or to do this shit to me again. My biggest mistake, thinking I could ever trust him……&helli p;

I know it’s horrible to sayh

But I can’t change the way if feel

You’re dead to me

You died that day

Last July

That changed my life.

That’s the day I found out you raped my friend

And that’s the day you died.

I burned the remanants of you

In my stone-covered fireplace.

And I never looked back.

So when I heard your voice

On the phone the other day

It must have been some mistake

Because you died

On that cold day last July.

This ghost of you

That haunts the earth

I want NOTHING to do with

Repent all you want

Forgiveness you will not get from me.

My friend I knew

Died that day.

And I want nothing to do with you.

As far as I’m concerned

You’re dead to me.

I am so stressed! Today I had a wonderful day planned for my children and me. And it started going as planned. But as anyone who has preschoolers knows you can never have a day work out exactly as you planned. About an hour ago my father-in-law called looking for my husband. Well, I called hubby (who had went into work earlier than his scheduled time which is 3:30) and told him that his dad was trying to reach him. Well a little while later hubby called me back with actually pretty good news. It turns out that my father-in-law was giving hubby an update on the house that we are trying to buy with my father-in-laws help. So it seems that things are moving along and we hope to hear some good news soon. So then I try to make lunch for the kids. Bad idea! I get lunch made and then the kids begin to fight, yell, and fight some more. Meanwhile, in the middle of trying to referee fights I am online looking for a work-from-home job. So I’m trying to research and instead of doing that I have to keep yelling at the kids to eat lunch instead of fighting. So now the kids are in their rooms serving their time outs and I’m sitting here at the computer trying to not have a panic attack.. I have so much on my plate right now. I’m trying to work through my past, hoping to get our own house, stressing over money, working on a book, taking classes, and trying to be a good mother and wife. And to be honest sometimes I feel like I’m failing in it all.

Oh, and too beat it all I have to go back to the gynecologist next Tuesday. I went to her a few months ago when I realized that one of my breasts were considerably larger than the other and found what felt like a lump. It turned out to be nothing (Thank God), but she found something else. It turns out I have severe scaring and erosion on my cervix, now she said this is sometimes normal after child birth, but sometimes it gets better on it’s own. In my case it hasn’t. So I went back to her last month and she checked it again and it was just a bit better but not much. So next week she’s going to run a light on me to see just how bad it is. Depending on how bad it is I have a few options, one she can somehow freeze my cervix, minimizing any additional scarring, an other option is to burn my cervix (yes this sounds excruciatingly painful). This method however has been known to leave bad scarring and reduce my chances of getting pregnant if I ever wanted to have more kids. So this makes me very nervous, Tim and I had planned on having one maybe two more kids, but when facing this I’m not sure if that will happen… So more stress… Today is just one of those days for me…. Oh well, more later! Bye!

I had just turned 15 when I met Aden, I was a freshman in high school. It had only been six months since the incident with Karter, but he was cute and I liked him. So I thought I’d give it another try. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a while, but he cheated on me with my now ex-best-friend. So we broke up.

One day, in my somphmore year, and I’m not sure when or why, I decided to talk to Aden in my computer class. We had assigned seating right next to each other so it was kind of inevitable I guess. Things were okay at first, but that didn’t last long… Maybe a month or so into our new found friendship, he was mad and he decided to take it out on me. We were sitting in class joking around while the teacher wasn’t looking, and then the next thing I know he just punches me in my right arm… I let him know that it hurt, but instead of saying sorry he says, “oh you mean this?” and punches me again. I didn’t say anything to anyone because I knew him, and I knew what he was like. And Aden was the type of guy who everyone liked him, so I really didn’t think anyone would believe me. And so this type of abuse continued for several weeks.

Then one day, everything changed. James (my then boyfriend, and now husband) was home sick and I was having some really bad stress migranes. I had been getting them for months, ever since our relationship troubles started. Any way, I was already feeling sick when I saw my best friend Chelle talking to my ex Aden. She seemed to be laughing, but he didn’t look so happy. Then he grabbed her by her hair and slapped her in the face. I knew him, and I knew what he was capable of doing to her. So I put myself in between them. Aden grabbed my arm and threw me against the wall, he put his forearm across my chest and held me there. I felt the pressure against my chest and began to have trouble breathing. Then he started punching me in my face, chest, and arms. I cried and begged him to let me go, I could see Chelle standing behind him yelling at him to let me go. There where other people around, but no one would help. Finally he let me go, I fell to the floor. Chelle helped me up and we walked away. When I got a chance I called Tim and told him what had happened. He told me not to worry, he’d take care of Aden. The next day he showed up stoned again, not a surprise, and he talked to Aden alright, but it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I could see the two of them laughing. What was he doing congratulating Aden for beating on me?

Eventualy things got better for James and me. He quit using drugs (mostly because I gave him an ultamatem, even though I hate them), which was great, and we mended our relationship. As for Aden, after that day I wanted nothing more to do with him, understandably so. I moved my seat in class, and I didn’t talk to him anymore until our senior year. And then that was only because our English teacher had us confrence together over a project. However, today, four years after the incident, I’ve actually put this behind me.. I mean I haven’t forgotten it, and I probably never will, but I’ve forgiven him.. Why? I really don’t know. Maybe it’s because by the time graduation rolled around we’d both grown up a lot, and we were actually civil with each other. I don’t know, I just woke up one day, and I realized that what he did to me didn’t hurt as much anymore. I mean the pain is still there, but it hurts less now.

James and I had a good relationship before and after the drugs, but while he was using our relationship was horrible. He used to flirt with other girls right in front of me. He’d smack the girls on their asses, hug them, and even talk about having sex in the shower with them… He humiliated me, even mentioned his ex around me just to piss me off. Yet I still stayed with him.. Why? One reason was because he was the first boyfriend I had who hadn’t physically abused me or actually cheated on me with my friend. But mostly because I was hopefully in love with him. And things did get back to normal once he quit using. See I’d had enough after the incident with Aden. It was the day before Valentine’s Day and I told James that I was giving him one last second chance. He had one shot to quit using drugs or I was leaving him, and this time I meant for good. I couldn’t handle anymore of him flirting with other girls or playing nice with a guy who had just beat on me. I was done with all the drugs, if that’s what he wanted, then he was more than welcome to have it, but I wanted out. Valentine’s day he comes to me with a teddy bear & a box of chocolates and an apology. He apologized for being such a jerk, and swore to me that he was gonna get clean. He said he wanted me & not the drugs.

Now our relationship is not without it’s share of problems.. For starters, Dale. I met Dale a few months before James and I got married. At first glance, I thought he was some spoiled little rich kid, and even though he fooled me for a while, it turned out in the end I was right. Now before I say anymore, I do want to say that I think part of my reasoning for letting Dale into my life was my way of getting back at James for the drugs. I had forgiven him, but I hadn’t forgotten. And even though I didn’t even realize what I was doing at the time, I think subconsciously it was my way of paying James back for what he did to me.

Dale and I met by chance.. I was a senior in high school and almost ready to graduate and get married. I had one month till graduation and just under 3 months until my wedding. I was blissful, and didn’t expect anything to change that for me. Then in walks Dale into my Buisness and Computers class. He told my teacher that he needed help with an assignement of his and his teacher sent him to our class to use one of the computers. He went to sit beside one of his friends but instead the teacher told him to take the empty seat next to me, and since I was in the advanced part of the class I could help him if he needed it. Great! I thought, just what I need a pompus spoiled rich kid sitting next to me. He sat beside me and immediately started asking me questions about my life. I didn’t even know this guy existed 10 minutes ago and here he was asking me questions about my life. I answered them, mostly because I was trying to figure out what his agenda was. And then I figured it out. A boy who sat on the other side of Dale told him that he needed to quit flirting with me because I was engaged and getting married in a matter of months. Dale’s response, “Engaged? Not married yet though, so that means I have a chance.” I found him a bit egostatisctical, but somehow over the next few days he worked some kind of magic on me. I fell for him. (Now, James swears that Dale had some kind of mind control on me, like he brainwashed me. I don’t know what it was, but I know I fell.) It was like I had this connection with Dale that I’d never felt before, not even with James. He started showing up at my job where I worked as a waitress, and even started calling my cell phone several times a day. Before I knew it, I was spending more time talking to Dale than I was to James, who I was engaged too. Dale began telling me that he loved me, and that he wanted to be the one I was marrying instead of James. He said he give me the moon and stars, and that we’d live a happy life. I tried to deny it, but I was developing deep feelings for Dale as well, and I decided that it was time for me to confess them to James.

After I confessed my feelings to James I decided that I needed a weekend to sort through what I was feeling. It so happened that it was the same weekend that Dale decided to go see a car show in Tennessee. James called me regularly over the weekend to check on me, and see if there was anything I needed. Dale never called me once. I realized that my feelings for Dale were merely infatuation and lust, but I was really in love with James. And he was really in love with me, where as Dale I believed it was just a game to him. To see if could steal me away from another man. So when Dale got back on Sunday night I was ready with my answer. I’d already told James and now it was time to tell Dale. I told him that while I had enjoyed our time together and I really cared about him, I wasn’t in love with him the way I was with James. I asked if we could remain friends and he didn’t want to.. So James and I continued on with our wedding plans, and we were married in July as planned. And I didn’t speak to Dale again for over 3 years.

James and I were doing good and were really happy. We had two kids together and our relationship was really going strong. Then one night out of no where I had a dream about Dale. And then the next day I have a message from him on myspace. It was like my dream had been a sign. He thought he would message me to say hi since he’d ran across my page. I messged him back saying that I was sorry for the way things had ended, but that I really had meant that I wanted to be friends. Then it was like a switch flipped. All of a sudden I found myself being sucked back into his life. Only this time I wasn’t falling in love with him, I was just happy to have him back in my life as a friend. See I adored Dale, I really did. I thought he was one of the most amazing people I’d ever met, and I’d always wanted to keep him in my life, and here it felt like I was being given a second chance. Now I had informed James that Dale and I were emailing back and forth as friends, and while he was skeptical (he figured that Dale was only after one thing when it came to me, and that was to win me back) he knew that I loved him and he trusted me. So in the end he said that he didn’t have a problem with my friendship. So from January 2^nd through March of 2007 Dale and I continued emailing back and forth nearly every day, just as friends. Then things changed.

James and I got into a fight one morning before he went to work. It was a stupid fight about money, and he left before it could be solved. When he came home we continued the argument after our kids were upstairs in their rooms asleep. Only things took a downward spiral.We’d been arguing back and forth for a while, and I could tell that things were starting to get pretty bad. So I tried to leave the room, but he wouldn’t let me. He grabbed my arm and held it very tightly for a long time while he stood there yelling at me. When he let me go, my arm was extremely sore and red. Within an hour a bruise had began to show. I sat on the floor crying and the only thing he had to say was, “why don’t you go cry to your friend Dale”. And so later that night, I emailed Dale and I did tell him what had happened, thinking that he was my friend and all. But instead Dale never emailed me back. Weeks went by and I began to realize that Dale and I weren’t really friends after all. I mean when you’re friend is in trouble you do what ever you can to help them out. So as James and I worked things out, I emailed Dale again telling him that he didn’t need to worry about me anymore. This time he did email me back. He said that he felt that it was best if he didn’t get involved. Now while at the time I bought this story and once again forgave him, I realize now, that it was just more of Dale’s mind games.

Dale continued to manipulate me, calling me and emailing me, telling me that he cared about me, but then when I needed him to talk to he was never there. He’d tell me that he had really been in love with me before, but then he’d tell others that he’d never loved me. Then he began asking for nude pictures of me (he swears it was just a joke, but I know better). Dale used me over and over again, and yet every time he said he was sorry I believed him and let him back into my life. Then finally in July 2007, I talked to a friend who I hadn’t spoken with in years.

Bethany had dated Dale back her freshman year of high school. There had been rumors circulating that something had happened between her and Dale that caused them to break up, and her to move from Kentucky to South Carolina My brother had informed her that I was now friends with Dale, and so she felt that we needed to have a talk. So she contacted me, and we had a nice long talk. Bethany informed that one night she’d went over to Dale’s house to study, only Dale didn’t want to study. He wanted to have sex, and when she said no, he forced himself on her. The next day he told everyone that she cheated on him so he didn’t want anything to do with her. And she moved to live with her mom in S.C. The last thing Bethany said to me was to be careful around him, cause she wasn’t the only one that he’d raped, he’d also done it to a friend of hers. And she didn’t want to see him do it to me.

This news devastated me. Here was one of my friends telling me that someone else, who I cared about, had committed such a horrible crime against them. So I asked Dale, and of course he denied it, but I could tell by the way he spoke that he was lieing to me. I furious and hurt at the same time. And a little scared, because I wondered if he could do that to her when he was a freshman, what would he do to me now? From that day on, I avoided him like the plague. I didn’t take any calls, and I didn’t answer any messages, as far as I was concerned the Dale I knew was dead. And until this past Sunday, I hadn’t spoken to him in nearly a year. (For those of you who didn’t read my blog from Monday, Dale calls me out of the blue. He swore my # showed up on his cell as a missed call but I know better. I know he’s back to his old tricks of trying to sucker me back in, but I’m not falling for it this time. I know it’s horrible to say, but to me, he’s still dead.)

James however was happy that Dale and I were no longer friends. He of course didn’t like Dale, but he said that he was also concerned for me and what Dale would do to me.

Now after that my relationship wasn’t smooth sailing. We had two additional violent incidents. There was one where he punched our counter and pinned me against the stove, and then there was another where he kinda pushed me against a wall and then punched the wall after I’d moved. I was terrified at each of these times, I felt like it was the whole Aden thing all over again. Yet, at the same time I felt like it was my fault for making him mad, and partly because of this we’ve managed to grow apart over the past year. And it’s taken it’s toll on our marriage.

But James and I have moved past that, or at least we’re trying. I’m not scared of him anymore like I was for months. I know how sorry he is, and he’s working really hard on being a better person. And while I’ve forgiven him, I can’t seem to forget, or at least not yet. But I’m hoping I can do that by writing this. I love my James, and we are working so hard on making our relationship better. We have our problems, but they don’t include Dale or violence anymore. I do want to state that I have NEVER, since I’ve known him cheated on James, I had more respect for him and myself than to ever do that. And I know what it feels like to have someone cheat on you.

I admit I’ve made mistakes, the first is ever getting to know Dale in the first place and falling for him. But I have to live with the image of me telling James that I had feelings for Dale. The pain I saw on his face that day, I never want to see that again.

Over the past few years, we’ve both made mistakes, those we have to live with. All we can do today is work to making things better, work at forgiving each other for the mistakes, and learn from them.

I’ve been hurt my nearly everyone in my life, and for the longest time I thought I deserved it. I thought I deserved to believe I was fat and ugly, I thought I deserved to be molested and abused. I thought deserved to be used and manipulated by someone I thought was my friend, and to be abused by my husband. I thought through all my mistakes, that somehow I deserved all that.

But now, I know I’ve made mistakes. And people have already forgiven me for that. James forgave me along time ago. It’s me who hasn’t forgiven myself. I forgave Aden and James, but I couldn’t forgive Karter, Dale, or myself. I don’t really want to forgive Karter or Dale. But I have to forgive myself or otherwise it’s going to eat at me until the day I die.

Hi, I’m Liz… And for those of you who may not know me, you're about too. I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’ve decided that today is the day for me to start anew. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And in order for me to have a new beginning I must first face the past. And that’s what I plan on doing in this post. So this will be hard for me to do and it may end up being an extremely long post, but in the end I think it will all be well worth it…  (By the way, the names in this have been changed).

Throughout my life people have used and abused me. I’ve heard over and over again just how ugly and fat I was and how I wasn’t ever going to be good enough. Over the years I began to believe this was true.

It all started when I was in the 5^th grade, about 10 years old. I was tall for my age, in fact I was taller than all the girls and boys in my class, which at the time made me feel pretty special.. I mean I wasn’t freakishly tall, but I was still taller. I was proud of the way I looked, in fact I considered myself to a be a beautiful girl. Now I wasn’t popular, and I didn’t hang out with the really pretty popular girls, but still I thought that my looks were still pretty good. But that all changed when one day my cousin, Jake, asked me how much I weigh. Now let me first tell you about Jake. He and I never really got a long a whole lot, because, well frankly even at 10 he thought he was better than me. I was 8 months older than Jake and he hated that fact, but on every chance he got he loved to remind me that he was a guy, and I was a girl. And as EVERYBODY knows, guys are “ALWAYS” better than girls.(Or at least he believed). So on this day when Jake asked me how much I weighed I proudly declared 90 pounds! At the time to me that was a great accomplishment, because I never cared how much I weighed, I was after all only 10 years old. But then Jake opened his big mouth, “What? 90 pounds? God S. you’re fat. I’m a boy and I only weigh 80 pounds. Boys are supposed to weigh more than girls.” And to which I replied, “So I’m a lot taller than you!” And believe me he had an answer for that too, “Yea but I should still weigh more than you, because I’m a guy.” It was at that moment that my life changed… I didn’t want him to see me cry so I told him that I needed to go inside my house to get a drink, and instead I ran inside to my mom and began sobbing, leaving Jake and my younger brother sitting outside on our front pourch…

My mom tried her best at convincing me that what he said wasn’t true. But I didn’t believe her. From that moment on, and still to this day, I’ve always thought I was fat. I’ve battled with my wieght all my life because of that one moment. I’ve had every eating disorder there is, one month I’m eating just cause I can, and the next month I’m starving myself, or throwing up the food I do eat… It’s been like this since I was 10 years old (and now I’m almost 24). Looking back at the pictures of me now from when I was 10 I see that I was nearly skin and bones then, so I know I wasn’t fat. But that doesn’t change what I think about myself now… Today when I look in the mirror all I see is a fat pig…. Please, you tell me, how do I change 14 years of believing I’m fat over night?

Karter! Facing this subject scares me, because I have to face what he did to me, and realize that it wasn’t my fault.. And I haven’t done that yet. I’ve always believed that what happened was a result of my own doing, I in some way asked for it. Yet I’ve never been able to figure out how I asked for it, or why it is that it happened to me… But now here’s my chance to get it out and face it… This isn’t by any means going to be easy for me, but once again, I know it’s worth it…

In my freshman year of high school my life began to take a downward spiral. I met Karter, my first week into high school, and he was my first REAL boyfriend. He was a sophomore and 16, and I, at 14, kind of had a crush on him, not a big one, but nevertheless still there. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I didn't really know him, but I should have. My friends knew him and they warned me against him, but I wouldn't listen. I had only been his girlfriend for a few hours when he grabbed my hand and led me to the hallway just behind the back of the gym. That's the spot where everyone went to make-out. That's what we started doing, but things quickly progressed. As we were standing there kissing he put his hand against my chest, and began to put his other hand down my pants. I tried to pull away and tell him to stop, but he told me to just stand still. I tried again to pull away, but he had a strong grip on me. When he finally let me go I ran to my next class. I tried to avoid him the rest of the day, but he found me just before last period. I told him that I didn't want to be around him, but he wouldn't listen. He grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the same hallway again. I was afraid to scream, so I basically just stood there helpless. When he let me go, I just stood there. He kissed my head and walked away. I fell to the floor crying and stayed there until after the bell rang.

I went home that day, not sure what to do. All I knew was that I no longer wanted to be his girlfriend. So when I went back to school the next day I avoided him at all costs. I did this for about two weeks. Finally one day he came up to me and asked me why I had been avoiding him. The only words I could manage to get out, was that I just didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. I was to cowardily to say the things i wanted to say, i wanted to yell at him for touching me after i said stop, but at the same time i felt embarrassed.

I realized that day, that if this is what guys wanted then i wasn't ready, I wasn't ready for anything like that. Karter molested me, and I was terrified. I was 14 years old and had never been violated so much before. I felt embarrassed to tell anyone, and terrified at the same time. I really didn’t think anyone would believe me, after all he was 16, and I was an immature 14 year old…

I’m gonna take a break now, before continuing on… I really need one, but I’ll post the rest of my life story later, I just don’t want to deal with it right now…

So yesterday i was having a pretty crappy day, to say the least.... But by the evening i was begining to feel better...  I'd wrote some poems to release the way i was feeling, I did some yogalaties, and had taken a nice LONG hot bath....  So I'd settled in to bed to read a book and watch a movie while waiting to for my hubby to get back from playing airsoft basically you shoot people with rubber bb's) with his buddies.... When all of a sudden my home telephone rings... Now i'm thinking it's probably my mom... I call and talk to her everyday, but yesterday she'd already left when i'd called, so i thought it was her calling me... (she usually does, we're really close like that).... But NO! Instead i didn't recognise the number, the first few digits lookeed like my father-in-laws, but i didn't really think it was.. And then i answered the phone!

On the other end of the phone was an ex "friend" of mine... We are no longer friends for many various reasons, but it basically boils down to the fact that last year my husband and i were having problems and i thought i could trust him.. But instead it turns out he was only using me for his own personal reasons (mostly in hopes that my hubby and i wouldn't work out and that he'd get to "hook up" with me... In fact he actually asked me for that knowing that my husband and i were trying to make our relationship work.... And then there was the fact that i found out that he raped a good friend of mine.......  And so now we haven't spoke or emailed in nearly a year, and if it was left up to me it would have stayed that way.

So anyways, back to yesterday, I answered the phone he asked if i was me... I said yes and asked who he was..  Then he told me, and then i recognized the number... It had been his cell.... He "said" he was calling me because my number showed up as a missed call on his phone... I informed him that he must have the wrong number.... He said "oh, ok then".. and then i hung up without even giving him a chance to say anything else.... Now i know that there was no way it could have been my number because not only did i not call him, i hadn't infact called anyone except for my mom at 7:00 that morning...  

So then i called my hubby who was on his way home and told him that Zack had called and what the phone conversation entailed... He half-heartedly laughed and said that it's Zack's way of playin fricken mind games... Now i have no doubt that my hubby is right, that's what Zack does best with me.  it always was just mind games and manipulations with him... But i wonder what is game is now.... It's been a fricken year, i'm happy (most days) with my relationship with my hubby (we still have a few issues we're trying to work through), and i'm really happy with my life.. I wouldn't change a thing about it... And i've now decided (thanks to a few very important people) that i need to work on making myself better, including my inner self... So why now, why yesterday of all days, does he decide to call me.... It really doesn't make any sense, but then again nothing he ever did made sense to me... I just want to go back to pretending that he doesn't exist, but instead now i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... I know somehow, someway he's up to something... He's got something in mind, but what?

I have a question for you.... What do you think about self-conifdence?  Is it important for someone to have self-confidence? 

As for me, I believe that it's good to have self-confidence in one's self, however, i am probably the least self confident person you will ever meet.  It's a long story, but it all streams back to my childhood.  As a petite skinny 5th grader, my cousin who was a male, few months younger than me, told me that i was FAT because i was 15 pounds heavier than him.... And he was a boy as he so unpolitely put it....  I remember running into my house crying my eyes out.  At the time I weighed 100 pounds, but i was tall.... And looking back now i realize that i was really skinny for my hieght... But that lead to a lifetime of second guesing myself.  I don't trust my own instincts about harldy anything (which i know is really sad), but you have to understand that up until that moment in my life i thought i was a beautiful girl.  And now at such an impressionable time in my life someone who i trusted, was telling my how fat i was.... I was destroyed.  And from that time on i've believed that i'm fat, and i've faced every eating disorder there is because of it... I've eaten to feel better, been anorexic and buelimic, and again back to eating just to eat... And so there for I've bounced around a LOT with my wieght... And presently i'm 30 pounds overweight (that's what i thinK) but the doctor said that 30 pounds would be nice for me too loose but i'm not really that bad overweight...  To look at me i guess i don't really look it (everyone says i don't look overweight) but when i look in the mirror all i see is one big fat mess....  I don't see myself as a beautiful woman anymore, and i'm now that i'm almost 24 i'm not sure that i ever will.

My lack of self-conifdence even affects my marriage... I know my husband loves me, but i think he could do better than me... No one could love him more than me, but i think that looks wise he could do better... And i think he deserves better.... I feel that i'm lacking in many areas (and  believe me he disputes every word i say in regards to this) but i still feel as if i'm not good enough for him... I feel like he deserves better, and my fear is that one day he's going to wake up and see the same person that i see when i look in the mirror...  He's totally sweet and tells me that i have nothing to fear cause that's never going to happen cause all he sees is a beautiful woman, but i can't change what i see....

I really don't know what to do to change this... I mean i'm really messed up, I'm damaged in more ways than one... I've been through so much (those of you who know me from shoutpost, know some of what i'm talking about from my blogs there), and i've tried really hard to put it behind me... And i have, but it's dammaged me, it's made me believe that i'm less of a person some how... Like i'm not good enough.... I think that's why i relate so much to the Dark Angel character of my poems, because in a way i am her.... I've changed and i'm still searching to find myself again... I mean i'm happy in my life, i love my husband and i love my kids... But i don't love myself, i've lost myself going through everything that i have... And i know that if i don't change, and gain my self-confidence back that it's going to have repreccussions on my daughter... My mother never really had much self-confidence, but she's a MUCH stronger woman than i am... (and i love and admire her for that)... But i want to set a good example for my daughter.... She's so beautiful, and i don't want her worrying about how she looks or if she's fat.... I never want her to feel like she's not worth anything...  I want her to always know just how beautiful she is...

And with that, i know it starts with me changing my ways.....  So this week i'm gonna get back to my pilates and yoga like i have done in the past... Last year i lost 30 pounds, i managed to keep 25 of those pounds off... But now i have to loose the rest of the weight, and while i know that that alone is not going to make me have more self-confidence, i do believe it's a start... And yoga is great for the mind, body, and soul, and when i've done it in the past i've felt better about myself, and had less stress... So here's to hoping that i can change, that i can see the real me... The me that my husband and children love, the me that's been lost for so long.... Hopefully i'll find the me that's been missing....