Another day of packing, yet again.  Truth be told, I'm so tired of packing that I just wish it was already over with.  While I am still excited to be moving into our new house, I do believe that the excitement is starting to wear off.  I'm so tired, (I'm not used to beginning my day at 5:00 with only a few hours of sleep as I have the past two days.)  I twisted my already damaged knee yesterday carring boxes of things up stairs.  (I'm storing the packed boxes in the upstairs spare bedroom.)  It's hurting and everytime I move a certain way I can feel it twisting again.   What I would really like to do is to crawl into bed and take a nice LONG nap.  But unfortunatly I can't do that.  These boxes obviously will not pack themsleves, so I must do it, while trying to keep my kids under control.  My boy has been trying to help me pack (he wants to hurry and get this done so we can move), but as any one with kids knows, a 4 year old doesn't really do much help no matter how hard they try, their just more getting in the way.  And i feel so sorry for him, cause when i tell him to go play he gets upset and starts saying that he just wants to help.  So i'm trying to find him jobs that he can do, while I try not to go crazy trying to figure out what i'm doing with what.   God I wish Tim was home, but unfortunatly he's at work (been there since 15 till 7:00) and wont get home till about 15 after 9:00 tonight.    Oh, I'm going crazy, I just want to get this finished so i can sleep, but it seems like everytime i think i'm about finished i find something else to pack that i've forgotten.  I did manage to get the kitchen packed this morning, except for a few dishes that i may need the next few days, the food (obviously) and then the pantry, because i forgot it.  So i have to go finish it.  The kids' bedroom is complete (yay!)  My bedroom is almost finished (i just like a few things) the living room has a few nicknaks that need to be packed, the upstairs bath has a few towls and things that i need to pack, so really the only things i have left is the upstairs hall closet and the downstairs coat closet.  So maybe i can finish this today so i can sleep tomorrow.  (I only dream!)  However tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday, so i'll be making cupcakes tomorrow.  We're having her party on Sunday (somewhere in the middle of trying to move), but she's so excited about it. 

Well anyways, i gotta get back to work.  The kids are starting to fight over a toy and i need to finish this packing.  Bye for now!

Another day of packing already underway.  I've been up since 5:00 cause i had to get Tim up for work, and since I was already awake when he left, I figured I'd start packing.  Now it's 8:30, and I have gotten a lot accomplished over the last 3 hours.  But there are still a lot of things left to do.  But i'm taking a break so i can sit here and write this post.

 So anyways, my daughter and i both went to the doctor yesterday.  It was a good news, bad news thing at the doctors.  Bad news first, she still has her ear infections, and we are now on our 3rd dose of antibiotics.  They tried to do a hearing test but she wasn't very cooperative, so they said that the only way to make sure about what to do from here is to send her to a specialist.  If she has fluid built up then the specialist will most likely want to put tubes in her ears, which will hopefully restore any hearing that she may have lost, if she has lost any.  So in the meantime we take the antibiotics and wait till the 8th of August to see the specialist.

 On the good news front, my gynocologist did the ultrasound yesterday and everything came back good.  The cyst on my ovary was gone except for a small partical (which she said was normal), the infection in my uterus and cervix was gone and the scarring was almost completly healed.  Thank God!  It's because of all of this that i believe is the cause of the early miscarraige i had around this time last year.  (That and the stress, but we wont talk about the stress).  At the time i didn't even know i was pregnant.  The doctor said that that's normal, she said a lot of times women don't even realize they've had a miscarraige since they never knew they were pregnant, they just think it's a late and very heavy period.  Which is what i thought at first.  But she said that now that everything is cleared up i shouldn't have any problem concieving or carrying the baby to term.  YAY!!!! 

 I am so happy about that, and so is Tim.  We're going to wait till we get moved into our new home before we start trying, that way I don't end up pregnant and trying to move.  Even though it would still be very early, he doesn't want to take any chances after what happened with my son.  I was 5 months pregnant with him when we moved and about two weeks after we moved i went into premature labor.  Now while it wasn't because i moved (cause i didn't do anything except pack, and my cervix was smaller than it should have been and the doctor didn't tell me the previous month) the added stress of moving didn't help any.  So Tim wants to be extra careful this time as we were with my daughter.  When i got pregnant with her, we were so scared that every little thing we were calling the doctor about and Tim wouldn't hardly let me move afraid that i'd go into premature labor with her as well.  But i didn't , Thank God, she was a perfect pregnancy, not a single problem, except for the constant morning sickness that lasted all day and well into my second trimester and the really bad heartburn.  LOL...  So i'm praying that when i do get pregnant that this pregnancy will be as easy as my last. 

Well, I guess this is enough for now, I've got to get back to packing, we're wanting to get at least some of this stuff moved in this week, assuming the papers are signed this week (which they should be).  And unfortunatly these boxes aren't going to pack themselves.  Bye for now!

So i spent the weekend house sitting for my mother-in-law, and have been without internet all weekend..  Can u say boring?  It really was, there wasn't much to do, and without the internet (especially of a night) it got quite boring.   However, i wouldn't say last night was boring, because i spent much of last night fighting with Tim.  Why? I have no idea.  He came home and was playing with me, and then the next minute he was mad and yelling.  I have no idea why, and to be honest he says he doesn't know why either.  But i do know that last night was probably about the worst it has been.  He was yelling in my face (which he never does), and while i was yelling back, it was from another room.  And then when i began having panic and anxiety attacks, instead of calming down and comforting me he began yelling again.  He said that it was my fault because i would take what he had just said and throw it back in his face which would make him mad again.  And i admit that i did do just that, but it's because he would say stupid crap that would hurt me, like accusing me of faking a panic attack.  When he says things that hurt me i can't let them go, i have to say it right back to him right then, i can't just keep it in till we're both calm, so that then we could calmly talk about it as he has suggested that i do.  I just can't do it.  But nevertheless, that still didn't give him the right to yell in my face when he knows i'm having a panic attack, knowing that doing so only makes it worse.   

However, around 11:00 last night, after about 4-5 hours of fighting, we finally calmed down, talked and were able to settle things.  It's just that our arguments are getting worse (especially his part.)  And i'll be honest it scares me because i know how his dad is towards his mom.  And honestly if i was her, i'm not sure if i could have lasted for the last 27 years as she has done.  I couldn't handle my husband getting mad at me for no reason, yelling, calling me names, belittling me, and all the other crap that she has endured.  She's a lot tougher woman than i am to have withstood all that for so many years.  And when Tim got the way he did last night for no reason I saw part of his dad in him, and that scares me, because i know that i can't do that.  My panic attacks last night were the worst that i had ever experienced that i really thought it would kill me, and that proves to me that i can't handle living like that.  And it was just one night.  One really bad night. 

We settled things, and we both agreed that we would try to change, try to fight better.  (Yes i know that sounds crazy, but I"m sure you know what i mean).  He's got a longer ways to go than i do, but I love him, and i know he'll try, because i know no matter what he loves me.  It's just hard to see it sometimes when he gets so angry, and even though he's not physically hurting me, last night i felt like he might as well have.  Cause the whole time the only thing i wanted was my husband to hold me through my panic attack, and and instead i got an angry man yelling in my face.

So we'll try, and try again.  Things are better today, we're trying.  That's all we really can do i guess....  And to think, our 5th anniversary was just the other day.....

So i'm happy.  Today is mine and Tim's 5th wedding anniversary.   Unfortunatley he is working, but he's coming home a few hours early and he's off tomorrow!!!  Yay!!  We're house sitting for his parents this weekend, and my parents will have the kids tomorrow night, so it will be nice to finally have some alone time!!!  Yay!!! 

We're suppossed to be moving to our new house next weekend, so i've been really busy trying to get everything packed up and cleaned.  I'm almost done, i've still got 3 rooms to go, and I"ve ran out of boxes.  My brother has some extra boxes that he's bringing by in the morning so that i can finish packing before we leave to drop this kids off at my moms.  I'd like to get almost everything finished tomorrow, because next week i'll be gone most of the week taking care of errands.  And I'm hoping to also get a few things moved during the week so that Tim doesn't have as much to move next weekend. 

But anyways, i'm exhausted.  I've been working since i got out of the bed at 7:00 this morning, and i am finally grateful for the few minutes that i have now to just sit down.  I feel as if my body could just fall apart that's how tired i am.  But after tomorrow morning, i wont be doing anything else the rest of the weekend except relaxing.  Thank God!

Okay, so i'm a bit annoyed.  I have been saying since last week that my mother-in-law & father-in-law needed to let Tim and me know how much our new payments were going to be since they changed banks for the loan and if we were going to have to pay any upfront fees, because we would need to borrow the money for the up front fees.  Well i get a call about an hour ago from my mother in law who informed me that she needed $217 from Tim and me for the appraisal fees (so the guy can do another appraisal, since the previous bank wouldn't foward the appraisal to this bank) today or tomorrow.  I do not have the money and i still don't know how much our new payments are going to be.  And of course I told my mother in law that i didn't have the money.  So I talked to hubby and i'm going to one of those payday advance places tomorrow afternoon to get the money so that i can give it to her.  I hate having to scramble to get money together, and my husband and i already owe enough.  I'm gratful to my in laws for helping us out, but mind you they are getting something out of this as well.  They are getting the property and the garage, Tim and I are only getting the house.  And the property is the only thing that is getting appraised, not the house.  (i'm not sure why)  And I did ask them to let us know in advance so that we could get some money together.  So i'm a bit annoyed that i'm only finding out now that she wanted us to pay this when she's known about the fee all week.  But oh well, what can i do, nothing.  And i'm starting to believe what my husband is saying, and it's that this place is starting to look like it might be more trouble than it's worth, and we're only going to dig ourselves into an even deeper whole.  Tim and I have said to my in laws that if it's too much for them then don't even bother trying to get it.  But now it looks like it might be too much for us.....  And no i don't know what our part of the payments are....  Maybe i'll find out soon....

I'm exhausted and it's only 10 o'clock.   I've been awake since 5:30 this morning because for some reason, (and only God knows why) my two wonderful preschoolers decided that they needed to get up at that time and play.  Actually they were already awake and playing at that time.  They woke me up from the toys crashing into one another.  Now see this has become a habbit with my children and i'm not sure why.  It seems like lately i'm lucky if i get to sleep until 6:00.  They've got decent bed times, infact they were getting up early so my husband and i moved their bedtimes back an hour last month hoping that they would sleep later.  And for the first week they did, but now their back to getting up before 5:30.    Oh well, i don't know what else to do.   

So after getting hubby's breakfast done, fixing his lunch, and getting him off to work i decided to work on packing up the kids winter clothes which were stored in the guest bedroom.  After that i packed up the rest of the stuff in the closet, the things on the walls and shelves, then proceded to washing the walls down and scrubbing the floors with a clorox solution.  (I love my clorox solution, I use it on almost everything!  :) )  So now i'm sitting here tired and exhausted contemplating what to do next.  I'm trying to go through everything to see what we're taking to our new home and what we're not.  Cause I know, everything we have will not fit into our new house. 

So I'm trying to figure out what to sell in a yard sell, what to keep, and what to throw away.  My brother called this morning and asked if i'd give him the guest bed and comforters as a wedding gift to him and his fiance (they're getting married in August).  And of course i told him yes, I don't need them anymore, and i'd rather give it to him than to sell it anyways.  So i've got some more work to do.  I'm not even sure when we're moving, I know my father-in-law (the loan is going in his name) and the guy that selling it have to sign the papers either by Friday or wait until July 7 because the lady handling the loan will be on Vacation after friday.   My mother-in-law was hoping we'd be able to move in by July 3 cause she's leaving for Michigan that day.  And my brother said he'd help me move that weekend if we were able to, but I'm not sure that it'll be able to happen.   However, I would love it if it did.  I'm ready to finally be in a home that's all mine. One that I don't have to answer to anyone if I want to do something, and a huge yard for my kids to play.  I"m excited incase you couldn't tell.  Excited and exhausted.  More later!

Somebody told me, they saw you somewhere
Somebody hold me, cause suddenly I'm a little, cold
Well I must be mistaken, you for somebody else
I know you all to well, or do I?

Yea yeah, yea yeah
Well I must be mistaken, you for somebody else
I hope you burn in hell, or do I?

I heard you say
We were one and the same
We'll wrong again
I could never do those things, you, did, to me
I will be ok
In time you'll fade
Into nothing that you are
The nothing you are [x4]